Grieving is a Slow, Painful Process

Daily, I battle with my own head and how I'm feeling. I try to think positively when I'm being/feeling very negative. I do anything to try lift myself out of that sort of frame of mind because I hate being so negative and feeling very low. Also, with being very low comes more panic attacks - and honestly, who wants to suffer a panic attack if you can help it?

Days where I can't even try to battle it are the days surrounding something bad having happened.. like my mum's anniversary of her death. It was on Monday, just there, the 19th of September. I was completely floored by it, I didn't expect to be whatsoever if I'm honest. It honestly and truly completely floored me though, and I felt like I wasn't going to be okay again. But now we're towards the end of this week I feel like I can breathe again and it's not so bad and I know I will start to feel more positive as the days go on.

But those few days, man were they awful. I replayed her whole morning she died in my head over and over, the funeral (I swear, just to torture myself) and the whole timeline of her illness was running around in my head. I thought of things I could've done to maybe help her out, things I should've said, how many times I should've told her I loved her rather than just staying quiet, how many times I should've thanked her for being such an amazingly strong lady and role model for me, how many times I should've shown her just how much I appreciate her.

I felt like I was falling apart all over again because when you realise all of these things that you could've, should've and would've done you feel like the worst person. But in reality that's not true, you did what felt right in those moments when you were with them. You only think of these things now, days, weeks, months, years later because you have had time to reflect. Don't feel guilty for things you maybe should've done or said and always remember that the person knows, you wouldn't have had to say it anyway.

It's been three years since I last saw my mum (I mean, I see her every day in my heart/head but I mean physically), gave her a cuddle, gave her a kiss on the head goodbye in the morning or told her 'I love you'. And honestly, it's been the longest three years of my entire life, the longest I've ever felt my heart be broken for - and I'm not totally sure it will ever be healed because for me, time doesn't seem to heal anything.

I love and miss you forever muma. You are my hero, forever and ever

 xxxxxxxx

Losing My Mum.

Exactly three weeks after turning 17, I lost my wonderful mum and my whole life and heart shattered into tiny pieces soon after. She died on September 19th, 2013. Almost 3 years ago and my pain is still as strong, my heart isn't shattered but more like half-glued back together. Pieces are still missing and I'm almost certain that they always will be.

I genuinely remember the day from start to finish like it was yesterday (I wonder if that will ever change) - I got up and dressed for school, kissed her forehead and said "love you, see you later" and she managed a "love you" back, I got to school, I was down anyway because of the whole situation of my mum being ill so I don't remember being otherwise cheery, I was talking to one of my good friends about how my mum was doing and then my guidance teacher walked in the door, asked to speak to me outside and I knew from the minute he looked at me what had happened. I walked from my seat to him and it felt like a never ending walk although it was probably only seconds long. Loads of things were rushing through my head... Who was with her? Should I have stayed home from school? Did my stepdad get back in time for her passing? Was she okay? Did she go peacefully? 

My guidance teacher sat me down and told me my mum had passed away and my brother was coming to collect me. I already knew she had gone, I could feel it but the minute he said it was the minute my heart fell apart and I felt like my world was not ever going to be the same again. I felt so heartbroken about all the things I would miss with her... my graduation from school, prom, getting into college or university, my first proper boyfriend, getting engaged and married, having babies, everything - she was no longer going to be there for me at all. She was just gone. 

It's something that still hurts me so much that she doesn't get to experience everything that our family goes through... She doesn't get to see us grow and bond and become closer. I should have had all the time in the world with her, at least half my life but all I got was 17 years. Don't get me wrong, I am completely and utterly thankful for having her for those 17 years... I wouldn't be who I am today without having her for those years and I also wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't lost her.

Losing her has taught me to be sympathetic towards others because you really don't know what sort of situation someone is in and how someone may be feeling on the outside, regardless of what they're really thinking on the inside. It has taught me to be patient with someone when they are unwell. It's not their fault they are lethargic and you can't push them if they don't want to be pushed. It has taught me to love fiercely and always remember who my family are, where I've come from and who to always protect and respect. It has taught me that life is too short to fall out with people long term and to never have bad last words with anyone because you just never know what will happen. It's taught me not to take life for granted and to be who I truly am because there will never be another me and she made me, so I must be pretty great.

My mum was the most beautiful, kind hearted, fiercely protective, intelligent, funny, caring, strong, independent women and she really is the most wonderful woman I'll ever know. I'm so grateful she is my mum and I am her baby girl because there's no one else's I'd rather be. 

Here's to all the beautiful muma's out there! Remember they're doing their best and to always love and respect them with all that you have.

I miss and love you more than I'll ever be able to put in to words muma x x x

10 Things #3.

I know it's been a little while since the last post about this but I've been super busy so this is the first time I've been able to sit down and write everything!

10 Things to Thank My Sister For:

1) For teaching me the little things that were important when I was younger that no one had told me or talked to me about yet - things as simple as plucking your eyebrows/how to do it (and doing it for me!), how to shave, how to kiss etc..
2) For being another muma figure to me and showing me that you don't have to be stuck with the family you were given but be able to choose your family too.
3) For treating me as one of your own and taking me under your wee wing and making me feel at home, always making me at ease and being so easy to talk to and open up to. I even remember you talking to me about how you would always treat me as family and it was our first "heart to heart" if you will and I remember once you'd finished talking I left to the bathroom to cry, lol.
4) For always making me laugh. Proper belly aching laugh, too.
5) For having my back always and always doing your best to protect me from people. Even when we haven't spoken in a while you are always amazing and you always come to my defence and I can't thank you enough for it.
6) For feeling my pain when I couldn't bare to feel it myself and for letting me pour my heart out to you and for doing the same to me, it means the world.
7) For being such a beautiful soul inside and out.
8) For being able to tell me straight that you have a problem. I know that can be very hard and I still find it difficult to do that myself but you always do it and I appreciate it so much.
9) For giving me an amazing sister, a protective muma figure, a best friend, a role model all in the one little person.
10) For giving the best, most comforting cuddles!

So, here's the thing, I have 3 sisters (one half, two step but they are blood in my heart) but the person this particular post is written about will know that it's about her if she reads this.

x x x

10 Things #2.

Hey, 

It's my second instalment of this now I guess, here's number one and why I'm doing it in the first place!

10 Things to Thank My Best Friend For:

1) For freaking out over celebrities/people you fancy/people you find cute/over tv shows/songs/movies. I love it, man. It genuinely makes me happy to see you so passionate, it's so sweet and just reminds me how amazing you are! (And it's when you let your soft side out, hahaha. ps you're currently doing it right now)

2) For putting up with my shite in general/listening to me constantly moaning/being weird etc. You are incredibly tolerant and it's great because no one else in my life is, haha!
3) For letting me talk when I'm down and talking me down from my self destructive edge, I'll never be able to thank you enough for how often you do it and still be there for me. You are amazing for that, you really, truly are.
4) For opening up to me and opening yourself in general up to me. This is personal between us but know I appreciate it and that I love you so much for it and for being that way with me. I know it can be hard.
5) For constantly making me laugh. I don't think I've ever laughed so much with someone in my life - you manage to make me laugh at least 100 times a day, or even smile and it's the best. I never thought I could cry from laughing at two simple words. (eg. lord voldetort)
6) For never judging. No matter what I do/say/feel you never judge and I love it. I can even tell you're not judging and I've never had a relationship with anyone where they just let me talk/feel/do what I need to and not judge.
7) For teaching me what it is to really, truly have a best friend and be one. I can honestly say that I envied people who had a friendship like ours and wanted one just like it... Now I have it I couldn't be more thankful and I'm never giving it back. So you're stuck with me.
8) For letting me do make-up on you all the time :D You are amazing and you have the best little face to work on so thank you for that.
9) For always finding a way to relate to how I feel. I love that you always know exactly what to say too, that makes me feel so much better when I know you know how I feel and what I'm feeling is normal. You help me feel like I'm not alone and for that I pretty much owe you my life, man.
10) For making the last year so much more bearable, for laughing with me, for opening up, for drunken chats/cuddles, for sleepovers and for giving me the best friend I always dreamed of!

To my little Bex,

I love you so much it hurts - you're mine forever because I couldn't bare to lose you. You are without a doubt one of my favourite humans on the planet. Never change.

x x x

10 Things to Thank My Boyfriend For.

Hey, 

So since I'm a bit low today and I'm not doing too great, I wanted to do a 10 Things to Thank My (insert person I love here) over the next couple of days. I seen a tweet that Corey Taylor (frontman of Slipknot/Stone Sour) wrote and in it he said that when he's having a low moment he thanks the people he's grateful for for being there etc. So my first post of this little series is going to be:

10 Things to Thank My Boyfriend For.

1. For tickling my back even when he's exhausted from work and can't be bothered, haha! What an angel.
2. For teaming up with me with making dinner and teaching me different ways to do things in the kitchen (he's a chef) and showing me new recipes and foods that I'd maybe never attempt or try! For making me more adventurous with food, too.
3. For putting up with my ridiculously annoying highs and lows and never complaining. He might not always understand my lows and truly understand why I feel as bad as I do but he still tries his hardest to and comforts me when I'm really down.
4. For making me laugh in the best way, the proper belly aching laugh that kills you because it hurts so much to laugh more but you can't help it. He even makes me laugh when I'm annoyed at him and honestly, that's a talent.
5. For loving me for who I am, flaws and all. I know I'm tough to deal with and tough to love, I push people away, I can be quite hateful towards myself and I can be mean to myself but he loves me nonetheless and is sure to tell me at least 50 times every day :) - no complaints though, I like it that way.
6. For cuddling me in the middle of the night when he wakes a little and just giving me that little squeeze - I've never felt more content.
7. For being not just a boyfriend, but a best friend. 
8. For laughing at my stepdads sometimes awful jokes and just getting along with my family in general, being kind, offering to help out with things and showing interest in them. It makes me happy to see all the people I love get along.
9. For being just so damn cute sometimes and making my heart melt with cute things he says/does. 
10. For trying every single fucking thing possible to make me happy when I don't feel like I could be for a little while. It makes me feel better to know that I have someone who will always try their hardest and fight for me when I don't feel like I can, who will love me regardless of how I feel, for making me smile all the time and for his kisses and cuddles that help make me feel safe and loved. Especially the forehead kisses, they're my favourite.

To Dan, I love you so much it hurts and I'm so very thankful that I've got you in my life and you are amazing! Never forget that :)

x x x 

How to Deal With Suicidal Thoughts.

So, lately I've been feeling unbelievably down, alone even when I'm in a room full of people and to be quite honest, suicidal. It happens. I'm used to feeling this way to an extent - it still doesn't get any less hard to know you're feeling this way and it still always makes me disappointed in myself to know I feel that I'd be better off not here anymore but still, I'm sort of used to little periods of time coming where that is simply just the way I feel.

I figured I'd do a little paragraph on how I try to help myself when I feel suicidal, you never know, it just might help somebody in need. Remember if you feel alone or want some help or just to talk to someone, there is always the Samaritans (who have helped me on a number of occasions and it's so useful to talk to someone out-with your whole situation) or if you don't feel comfortable with that, email me at rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com or speak to someone you love dearly.

I think it's important to remind yourself that you're not alone, there are so many people that feel this way too - so it in no way makes you 'weird' or a 'freak' to be thinking like this. Treat yourself with some kindness whilst you feel like this too, it's not going to make anything any better or pull yourself out of it quicker if you're being really damn hard on yourself. Feeling like this is hard enough. Listen to songs that make you happy, songs that make you think of your happiest memories - songs that will always make you smile. Listen to them all day, every day if you have to. Write down exactly how you feel and then rip it up. Rip it into tiny shreds and it'll let some aggression out. Cry. Cry until you can't physically cry anymore. Go somewhere that makes you feel peaceful - for me that is a very long bath. See a family member that you love, either that you can talk to with no judgement about anything or someone that always makes you laugh. It could also be a friend. Watch a movie. Try to connect with anything that makes you smile or happy or hopeful. Try to sleep. Sometimes I've found myself being really suicidal and having a decent sleep (especially if I've not slept very well/not slept at all before hand) it can take a huge dent out of feeling that way.

I just want to say - in no way am I saying that these things shift feeling suicidal - they don't for me sometimes, sometimes I have to just ride it out and hope I'm going to come out of the other side of it feeling lifted and somewhat 'normal' again. But sometimes they do take the edge off of feeling that way and if I can help anyone do that... Then I've done a good job. I've been feeling like this on and off for a month now and I just felt like rather than talk about how I've been feeling - talk about what has been helping me - even if it's just a little bit to try help someone else if possible.

Remember if your symptoms persist, please get in touch with the Samaritans, go onto the Mind website to have a look and see what you can do for yourself. Or if you feel scared that you may attempt suicide - please, I urge you to get in contact with your GP. Get the help you need and deserve. It's not a shameful thing to admit you need help. I promise.

Look after yourself, thanks for reading.

20/06/16.

Hey,

It's funny how all these amazing 'highs' or happy times I have in my life are then brought back down with these incredibly tense, horrible 'lows' or bad times.

I just became an aunt again and I can't quite get over how cute the baby is. I got into college to do Make-Up at somewhere that is closer to my home, is more of a course that I want to do and I got on really well with the lecturer that interviewed me.
I have the most awesome family and a wonderful boyfriend, amazing friends, but I still feel so, so alone. I just feel so horribly down all the time and even though all this good news is surrounding me I just feel like... almost like I'm not good enough to have it?
I don't know. I'm just really down again I guess. It's really horrible to feel this way. I wish I could stop it.

x

4/06/16.

I actually cannot believe it's June already. This year has gone so fast so far. But also not fast enough if that makes sense?

Anyway, I got into college! I'm doing a Makeup course which I'm super excited about, it should hopefully be really really good! I'm a little nervous as my last college course didn't go so great but I'm hoping I'll be okay!

My First Piece of Youtube Hate.

Okay, so honestly I'm just going to rant or ramble or whatever here today. Also, sorry it's been a while. I've actually been feeling really great recently so didn't want to write about negative things.

I got this comment on a recent youtube video:

And honestly, since I'm not really going to reply to it on there, I'm going to reply to it here.

So first off, I'm sitting down - at no time do you see my arms with the proportions of the rest of my body so you would have no way or inkling (is that how you say that?) to know that. My arms are perfectly proportionate to the rest of my body. As for my 'tits' - aka the most derogatory term you can call a females breasts (I am assuming this is a guy because only a guy would call them that) you don't and will not ever be able to see them on any youtube video I do so I don't get how you could even come to that conclusion as they are in no way whatsoever EVER visible. I make sure that my content on youtube is always about what I am doing or showing, not about my features or body in any way. I don't and never have wanted padding in my boobs - actually my boobs are pretty flat so again, there is no way to think they are lifted or pushed up in any way. I know I'm not hot, I know I won't be one of those girls that are hot. Regardless of my skin colour. But me being pale has nothing to do with my attractiveness. I also don't think I'm hot in any way so I don't get what the deal with that was. Lastly, yeah I am pretty ugly. Well done for making me feel extra though, just cause I know that was your plan. I was having a nice day till I read that, thank you, and I hope you feel as alone and just downright shit as you've just made me feel right now, for the rest of your life and that you die sad and alone and know just how outrageously disgusting you really are.



Okay so now I've replied, haha, I just want to say... I am in no way looking for sympathy about this. At first I was shaking of anger because I thought, "how dare someone say this about me?" you don't even know me, I would like to think I am an alright person that deserves a little bit of human decency. Fair enough if you didn't like the video - that's your own opinion and I respect that you're allowed to have it just as I am allowed to have mine. Fair enough if you find me hideous, I do sometimes too, but that in no way means that you should ever comment something so horrible on someone's video that they've took time to record and edit and try to do well on. If you have nothing nice to say just fucking leave me alone and go on with your day.

Now, however, I'm crying my heart out. This has allowed my couple of days of feeling really great to go right out of the window. Now, I feel utterly worthless. I feel so disgusting. And I feel ashamed to have videos out there. It's taken my passion away a little. And I'm totally allowed to feel this way because it's my first ever piece of hate I have ever gotten since starting blogging/youtube. And for my first piece of hate, fuck me it was a bad 'un.

I'm going to leave the videos I have up already (and the one I have scheduled to go up) but I don't think I'm going to continue. I just don't think I'll be able to handle anymore hateful comments or anything like that.

When I'm Missing my Mum/Brother...

Disclaimer: Okay, so honestly, I miss my mum and my brother day in day out, 24/7, I wouldn't be human if I didn't and I'm not trying to make it out like I don't miss them but for this post I'm talking about those days that all of us have, you know the ones, where you literally are pained because you miss them so much. Sometimes I miss one more than the other - for different reasons. I'm human, I love them both equally. Anyway yeah, here we go.


When I have those days where I miss them more than normal, it generally makes me numb about everything else, I can't quite cope with day to day things. I struggle on through and it's just really really difficult to do so anyway. I hate the thought of moving or doing anything because I'm just so down.

Those days are the worst. But I have some tips that I've learned to get myself through them and try cope a little bit better with my grief.

• My first tip is to simply look through old photos or home videos I have with them, sometimes hearing my brothers voice through his music he made is enough to settle me a little and give me a bit of comfort, seeing their faces always gives me comfort and brings back happy memories.
• Secondly, if it's a conversation I feel I need to have, I write a letter to them (sometimes both of them, sometimes just Mark, sometimes just mum) and if you're not wanting anyone else to see the letter once you've written it and let everything out, just rip it up. It's okay.
• Next, and this is only if I'm very, very down. I just let myself have the day. I just let myself have the day to grieve and cry and be sad and mope. It's okay to do it if you absolutely have to, your mental health always comes dirst.
• Next up is to talk to someone that knows them to chat about different memories or simply just to have someone to vent and relate to them.
• Lastly, try to think about what they'd say to you if they were there. I find comfort in that sometimes.

Always remember that no matter what you're doing to cope with grief, as long as you're not hurting yourself or others around you - you're grieving normally and the person you have lost is so proud of you and always will be.

Thank you for reading and remember I'm here at all times if you need anyone to talk to. I know it gets tough sometimes.

Other places to find me:

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

Twitter - rgarmentmua or rachelgarment

email - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

 x x x x x

5/05/16.

- Sorry for these kinds of posts, I realise they are a bit debby-downer but I said from the get go thats how this blog would be sometimes. -

Today I applied to jobs, I applied to opportunities on the Blogger Programme website that I was applicable for, I set up two blog posts to go on my beauty blog, I planned to do a makeup tutorial for youtube tomorrow, I spent time with my gran and really enjoyed doing so. Some would say that's a pretty productive day. I say, I feel empty.

I just feel nothing.

 I don't see myself getting a job in the near future and it's severely distressing because I am skint, I need the money, I hate not being able to buy things - not even basic things like food, I hate not being able to go out like a 19 year old should be and I hate other people having to pay for things for me. I'm also so bored of being home all the time. I'm so lonely.

I feel empty about my future, I just don't really see myself even in the future. I can't get past this and I don't feel like I'm ever going to.

People say there's always a light at the end of the tunnel - does that mean that, no matter how long the tunnel is you can still see it? Even if it's the tiniest little bit of light? Because I, personally, see nothing.

 Absolutely nothing.

And that is more depressing than how I feel to be honest.

27/04/2015.

Hey there,

Birthdays of my family (and myself) always make me quite sad because it's then you really see who's missing and instead of celebrating properly there are definite holes where people should be.

For me in my house it's my mum and my brother, we lost them both within 6 months of one another and it sucked. It was the hardest thing for us as a family to try to overcome and I feel we have done as best we could with the circumstances we had. But today it's my stepdads birthday and I am really hurting inside because I can feel the gaps of two people who used to be here.

That's not to say that I don't always feel the gaps, I do, it's just more prominent on things like birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas. I know what my mum and my brother would want is for us to be happy and celebrate the way we would if they were here (cause really, they are here, we just can't see them) but it's just really hard to do so. You almost feel guilty.

Anyway, that's just a quick little thought of today from me.

 Thanks for reading

x x x

22/04/16.

Just going to spill out a couple of things in a letter type format to a couple of people I know/knew/love/once loved... The people will be numbered obviously for their anonymity and because I just want to let all this out anyway, so their names don't really matter.

1. I don't think I'd be here without you, I think if I hadn't met you then I'd probably not be here right now because you are the only person that really, truly gets and understands me in every way. I can't thank you enough for always being there and for being my absolute rock whenever I need you. You are so strong and I admire you so much, you'll never realise how much.You are without a doubt the most amazing and beautiful little lady (inside and out) I've met. You are my best friend and I love you more every day. You are my soulmate and I can't picture my life without you now!

2. You make me laugh, even when I'm angry with you, you still manage to make me laugh. I think that's more important than anything, really. You are adorable. You make me feel at home, you make me feel like I'm worth something and you are my other best friend. I love you more every day, just like person number 1. (and I'm glad you both get on, it makes my heart happy) I love that when I'm down you do your best to look after me and be everything I need in that moment. I can't thank you enough for that. Your consistent support and love for me is something that genuinely keeps me going. Never change, you're an absolutely gorgeous person and you are so, so appreciated.

3 + 4. You two are without a doubt the strongest men I've ever known. I don't think I could've kept it together (well, I haven't) the way you two have. I think you are both amazing. You are the best men I could think of to have in my life, other than my boyfriend tbh. I love you both so much and you are both such amazing role models for me. You always have been, but more so now than ever. I can't thank you enough for being constant in my life, too.

5. Thank you for being there for me when I was younger. I couldn't of gotten through a lot of the stuff I have without you, you were amazing in those times and I have no doubt that you are going to make an amazing parent one day. You are definitely a force to be reckoned with. You are beautiful and have an amazing sense of humour and you are so wise beyond your years if I'm honest. I love you or maybe I used to. It pained me when you were hurt and sad. I felt sick to my stomach when you were down, it was like I could sense it. I thought everything of you. I thought you were the absolute bomb.com. I wanted to be just like you, you were everything to me. I was supposed to be yours and you were supposed to be mine. We were supposed to count on each other till the very end. But you've not been the same with me and I don't know how to act around you. I spent a lot of time crying over losing you and piecing everything together, thinking of every little thing I said and yet, I still can't think what it is I've done. I'm sorry, anyway. I wish you the best.

6. I'm so happy for you, for the life you've built for yourself, for everything you've accomplished and been and done. I really, truly am happy for you. I think you deserved some happiness. You're very strong and hard to read but I'd like to think I could read you - at least sometimes. You were always amazing, when I was broken you were like a brick wall for me to lean on and you were always there, within an hour of a text or phonecall. Thank you for that. I don't know what I would've done without it. I tried to be strong for you though and I hope you know that. However our relationship  has changed and I don't know how or why. I feel our relationship should always come first as I always tried to put you first, too. I love you and I always will.

7. You always say nobody bothers with you but that couldn't be further from the truth. I do. I bother. And I love you. You're hilarious, you're beautiful and wise and just all round amazing. You cook the best food and you always feel like home to me. Whenever I cuddle you and I smell you it makes me nostalgic to when I was a tiny little lady and I just love it. I promise to spend more time with you, you deserve that at the very least.

8. I love how happy you are. If anyone deserves it, it's you! You are absolutely amazing. I can't thank you enough for being a sort of voice of reason for me this year and late last year. I want to be closer with you though, I feel like we should try maintain being really close because you are someone I've always missed from my life. I can't wait to be a part of your special day and I just love you so much. You are amazing.

9. You are probably the most patient person I've ever known in my life. I think it's incredible. You hold yourself so well. You are like a fierce, protective lioness and I admire it so much. I couldn't think of anyone better. You are beautiful and so talented and I'm so happy for you and all your success. You deserve it. I'm so glad you've started to really follow your dreams and you're putting yourself first. I'm proud of you and I love you. You are like a sister to me and I couldn't be happier about that.

x x x 

Weight Loss Goals.

Hey,

Honestly, my weight is one of the main things that gets me down. When I was younger, I was never really a 'chubby' kid, I had a fast metabolism, I generally could eat whatever I wanted and not gain any weight, I was naturally skinny, you know, all the things you complain about when you're younger about being 'fat' and you totally weren't - yeah, that was me.

Here I am now.

Well, the longer haired photos are from late last year, but still! I am now a big boobed, big bummed, massive thighed, stretch marks everywhere including the tummy kinda gal. And while I am all for people who are this size (and/or bigger or smaller) to be completely body confident, I mean, you go girl (or guy) if you can be confident about it. I just can't.

I haven't been near scales in over a year, I barely go in front of full length mirrors if I can avoid it and I rarely take full length selfies - being why these are the only I have.

So I don't know how much I weigh and I don't want to ever really know, necessarily. All I know is that I am roughly a 12-16 in dress size depending on the shop/what I buy etc. I think watching the number on the scales (or the number of calories etc) can be a very slippery slope so I don't want to go down that route by any means. God knows my brain has enough as it is. I just want to know that I've lost a good few stone by results. So, I think I need to set up some goals for myself, don't you?

I am by no means going to turn into this lover of fitness and healthy food and be this fitness guru that you see on so many social media platforms. Because the truth is, I hate working out, I hate cardio, I hate being out of breath, I hate 'the burn' - I am anaemic for fuck's sake, I have no energy as it is (and whilst some might say working out would give me more energy, it doesn't, iron does, so stfu). I also am a massive lover of junk food, beer and all things that are bad for me. It's a problem. We have been in a serious relationship all my life (except for the beer, I was not a baby alcoholic just a 19 year old one) and it's gonna be hard to cut it all out. Anyway, I'm rambling.

My goals are:

1. To cut down all the sweet shit I eat. Aka, no more crisps, chocolate, sweets of any kind whatsoever.

2. Go outside for at least an hour to walk. Yes, walk. It'll do for just now until I feel more confident with myself/working out.

3. Work out at home for the time being and find something that works for me.

4. Eat healthier. 

5. Limit a takeaway to once a month.

6. Cut down on beer, sugary drinks and energy drinks. Try to drink 2L of water everyday.

7. Finally (and most importantly) try to get my dress size down to strictly a 10-12.

I know that I am by no means that skinny little girl I used to be. I have grown into a woman. A woman who has grown boobs and wide hips. I'm never going to be a size 6 again and that's okay. What's not okay is feeling as shit as I do about myself now and I think it's about time I do something about it!

Hopefully this time next year I can be closer to my goal but I will keep it updated on here as to how I'm feeling. I'm starting it after April though because I've just been to Paris and I'd feel daft starting it now (I'm writing this late March, btw).

I'm going to take a picture every Wednesday for 3 months and see if I see any difference. If I do, you'll get updated posts! :)

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed/this wasn't too boring!

Remember though that the number on the scales does NOT define who you are.

Other places to find me:

My facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/rgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

Love, 

Rachel

x x x x 

My Travel Bucket List.

Hey there,

Since I'm going to be in Paris very very soon, I thought I'd do my travel bucket list! All images I take are from google images.

I have so many places I want to visit but I'll try to make this somewhat short and sweet. You should tell me a couple of places you want to visit! :)

: Paris
I know I'm going in two days but still including it here, haha!

: Rome

I've been but only for a day and I'd love to go for a lot longer and explore!

: Venice

: Florence

: Belgium

: Los Angeles

: New York

: Mexico

: Chicago

: Barcelona

: Madrid

: Auckland/New Zealand

:India

: Bali

: Bora Bora

: Dominican Republic

: Greece

I think that's a pretty good (and expensive) travel bucket list for now! I'll probably add more as I think of them... I hope you enjoyed this post!

Other places to find me:

My facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/rgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

Love, 

Rachel 

xxx

Five Year Plan.

Hey again.

A little bit more of a light hearted post today than last week's one, but like I've said from the beginning of this blog - some of the posts might just be a little bit dark. Like a diary somewhat.

Anyway, today I thought I'd do a post on my five year plan. I'm sure you've all heard of one. I'm gonna list at least 5 goals that I want to have achieved in five years, by the time I turn 25 (oh my holy god that is scary to even think about). You should let me know a couple of yours in the comments! :)

1. Career.

I'd like to either be trained in Makeup Artistry and if I decide not to go to college then at least established myself as a Freelance Artist and getting my name out there, maybe working for a company that I enjoy.

2. My blog/youtube.

I'd quite like to be continuing my blog from here on out, pretty much, I reckon it'll change as I get older. If you haven't read my blog yet then check it out here. I would like it to be quite successful and stay something that I really enjoy doing, maybe have worked with a few companies. I'd also like my youtube channel to have grown quite a bit, I like the idea of doing youtube on the side with a video on the likes of once a week or something, I think that'd be quite cool.

3.  Have my own house/flat. Bonus points if it has my own makeup room.

I'd love a house by the time I'm 25, ideally, but I realise that may not be the case so a flat will do. I'd love my own place and to have somewhere I can call my own and be able to pay for it on my own, that would be amazing. 

4. Have a puppy of my own!

I love animals, cats and dogs to be precise and I've always wanted my own puppy - I say this because I'm actually allergic to cats and I don't always take a reaction but I also hate it when I do, so I'd probably prefer a puppy. Bonus points if its an English Bulldog. Heart eyes af.

5. Be body confident.

I don't really remember ever looking at myself, my body in the mirror and liking what I see, so in 5 years time I'd like to be able to say that I can comfortably wear whatever I want regardless of who's around and that I like what I see in the mirror, it's what my poor little body deserves after all, haha!

Well, there's 5 of my goals for the next 5 years. I think these are pretty achievable - I'm 19 right now and I want to have achieved these by my 25th birthday. I think that's alright, don't you? Haha, maybe I'll come back in 5 years and see how I've got on! ;)

Remember it's good to set yourself goals sometimes. Reminds you to aim for the stars and get yourself to stay productive. You'll get there in the end!

Thank you for reading, you should tell me your 5 year goals in the comments!

Other places to find me:

My facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/rgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

Lots of love, 

Rachel 

x x x 

Feelin' Like a Failure.

Do you ever get those days where you just feel really really shitty?
You just think about your whole life and it's not really panning out how you'd like it to?

That's how I feel today. I just feel like I should be much further on in life than I am. I feel like I'm not doing anyone proud, it's difficult to be like this because my down days compared to someone without depression are really horrifically hard. 

I'm 19. Typically, I should be half way through uni/college, with a part time job and maybe a little car, or getting lessons to drive and going out on weekends with friends and having money to spend on myself/the people I care about. My reality is that I am no where near where I want to be in college/uni life, I done a course for a couple of months that I absolutely hated so I left rather than sticking it out and I'm right back to square 1. I don't have a part time job. This and my beauty blog are my only things that I officially 'do'. I am not a qualified makeup artist. I very rarely get jobs with it and I struggle to put myself out there because I simply do not feel good enough yet. I am struggling for money, struggling to get to go anywhere nevermind out on weekends. I am trying my hardest to get a job, get something done with my life, DO something. But nothing seems to be working out for me.

I am barely living.

And I feel like such a failure for it.

Anyway, I'm not sure how long I'll keep this post up for. Some days I just feel like this. Some days I don't. But I just want you, whoever's reading to know that if you feel like this - you're not alone. I feel this way sometimes - well, a lot of the time - too and you are never, ever alone. I promise you won't feel like this forever, too. You'll be okay.

We will all be able to look back one day and say '"we've made it."

But for now, lets just let ourselves have a little whinge.

Thanks for reading this ridiculously negative post. Next one should hopefully be more of a self help one. If you have any ideas of what I should do next, please don't hesitate to write in the comments or on any of these other platforms: 

Other places to find me:

My facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/rgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

 x x x x

How I Calm Myself During a Panic Attack.

Hey there,

If you, like me, suffer from frequent panic attacks I've jotted down 10 things that I do that help me overcome/calm down from a panic attack. 

I am not a professional. I'm not claiming that these things will help you, I'm just claiming that these things help me. It's always worth a try. There's nothing worse than having panic attacks and having no clue how to deal with them so I suggest trying everything you can to try and help yourself. I promise it's worth it. If none of these work talk to your GP about other methods of help for this and you will find something that works for you.

If you're still struggling to find something and one of these help you, great! I'm so glad! If they don't, simply just remind yourself that you will be okay until you find something that helps. It may feel like they last forever but I promise they don't. And remember to be proud of yourself, you are doing so well!

1. Get in contact with a family member or a friend that you trust and that understands panic attacks/what they are like. 

This one is pretty self explanatory but sometimes I feel like just talking to someone that understands is so worthwhile. Talking to someone that you love and care for will slow your racing heart down and you will start to forget that you were ever panicking, it's worth a try because I'm sure you have plenty of people who's willing to take a 10-15 minute phone call from you if it helps. 

2. Listen to your favourite band or your favourite song.

Try to put music on that makes you happy - whether it's your favourite song, your favourite album, whatever. Try to sing along in your head, doing this will keep your mind from racing about all the things you're panicking about and is generally a good one to use if you're out and about since most of us are guaranteed to have a phone with music on it and earphones! I tend to use this one if I'm going somewhere I'm anxious about and do it on the journey there.

3. Remove yourself from the situation.

Say you're in the middle of a club, it's really warm, you're surrounded by lots of people, maybe drunk people make you nervous and anxious - simply just go into the fresh air and remove yourself from the situation for a while until you feel better. This one is sometimes not possible depending on where you are and what you're doing but it's always worth a try too.

4. Count to ten, remember to breathe.

This one sounds a bit stupid but I swear it works. If you only let yourself focus on taking 10 very slow, deep breaths your brain focuses on that and the more air you're letting into your lungs and breathing out it will calm you. It's one of my go-to's for panic attacks and just anything that makes me nervous in general tbh.

5. Try to break the panic attack down.

This one could be considered a wee bit risky but if you do it right this tends to work. Try to break down the root of why you're panicking. Like, for me, say I'm worrying about a blog post not being ready or the way I'd like it to be, I'd make sure I set myself at least half an hour to perfect it so I don't go panicking about it later, you know? It's the same with anything, if you try and break down the root of the panic attack then you will see there's generally always a solution. It will be okay!

6. Counting backwards from 100.

Again a little bit of a self explanatory one, but focusing on something other than your panic attack is key. Basically, don't let the panic attack win. You don't necessarily have to count backwards from 100 - you could count to 100 or you could do a little crossword if you have an app on your phone. Anything like that to take your mind from the panic attack and onto something else.

7. Think about one of your favourite or happiest memories.

This is one I use quite a bit. I'll think about something from when I was younger or just something that makes me really happy and try to imagine myself there in that moment and my panic attack tends to just drift away.

8. Write down your feelings.

Again this one is about focusing on something else, this one is a hit or miss depending on how severe the panic attack is so I tend to only do this if I just feel anxious - not so much if I'm having an actual panic attack. I just write down what I'm feeling and why I think I'm feeling that way and it tends to help, even if only a little.

9. Anxiety App on your phone.

There are loads of apps on the market now that are centred around anxiety and helping you with your panic attack. I suggest finding one that you really enjoy and using it whenever you're needing calmed down.

10. If all else fails, medication.

This one is a hit or miss with people because a lot of people don't like taking medication. But if your panic attacks are incredibly frequent and severe, medication might be a good route to go to try and solve that. Maybe therapy as well to figure out what your triggers are and why you're suffering so bad.

Thank you for reading, I hope this helped some of you.

Other places to find me:

My facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/rachelgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

x x x 

Mother's Day Blues.

Hello!

To all the mummies reading this, you are doing an absolutely amazing job and you deserve to have the most amazing, relaxing day and be spoiled by your babies!

Today, in the UK, we celebrate Mother's Day. Part of me loves it, part of me loves that you can see everyone showing their appreciation for their mum. But part of me hates it because why only one day? Why do people only show their appreciation for their mum on one day?
You should be doing it every single day.

I hate that I can't spoil my mum on this day, I also hate that I don't have my mum at all on any day. I can't tell her I love her and hear her say it back, I can't get a cuddle whenever I want, I can't just talk to her about everyday things. I feel like so many people completely take advantage of the fact that they have their mum and don't take the time to appreciate your parents every single day.

It only takes a second for everything to change and for someone you love to not be here anymore so I just want people to remember that. And if you're like me, struggling on a day to day basis but also struggling on days like today, having lost your mum. Know you're not alone.
Combat how you're feeling by writing her letters, I know it sounds silly but the way I believe in it is that she can totally see you, she can see what you're writing and it lets you get out your feelings.

Know that your mum loves you and appreciates you every single day so you should do the same for her. Without her, you wouldn't have your life, would you?

So, to my muma:

I love you so much. I miss you with everything I have, I wish I could have one cuddle and for you to say, "nevermind, mummy's here" as you always did when we were younger and upset. I hate that I can't talk to you but this will have to do, I hope you are having the most amazing time where you are and thank you for being wonderful to me. Happy Mother's Day.

My mum taught me how to be a strong, independent lady. She taught me how to love, how to be a friend, how to make sure you win in an argument (haha), how to be an all round wonderful person, how to cook, how to show you're the boss, how to be respectful but most importantly, she taught me not to be afraid of what people think of me - and whilst that's definitely difficult sometimes, it's important nonetheless and I am definitely not afraid to be who I am, I'm just me, unapologetically me. I love her and I love everything she was and everything she taught me to be.

I hope you all enjoy your own Mother's Day though with your families or if you're a Mummy yourself, I hope you are having the absolute best day!

Thank you for reading,

Other places to find me:

My facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/rachelgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

x x x x x 

25 Get to Know Me Questions - TAG.

Hey again,

I thought I'd start off my posts pretty light so I seen this tag on a fellow blogger's site - I'll link it here. It's just 25 questions that I'll answer and it'll let you get to know me just in general a little, you know?

Here we go...

1. What is your middle name? Catherine :) It's after my gran - my mum's mum.
2. What was your favourite subject at school? Biology. I really loved learning the science behind everything and I especially loved the human part of it - not so much the plant side - I just find how the body works pretty fascinating.
3. What is your favourite drink? Ohhh, it's probably really bad but Monster - the energy drink, haha! Other than that I'm a sucker for Fanta Fruit Twist and alcohol wise it's got to be Corona.
4. What is your favourite song at the moment? Uhm, probably 11 AM by Incubus. You should give it a listen, I'll link it here.
5. What is your favourite food? Italian and Mexican I think.. I love spicy food but pasta and pizza are both my total vices, you know? :P
6. What is the last thing you bought? A can of Monster and stuff for last nights dinner (which was the yummiest)
7. Favourite book of all time? Either 'Shock of the Fall' by Nathan Filer, 'Six Years' by Harlan Coben or 'Scar Tissue' by Anthony Kiedis from RHCP
8. Favourite colour? Teal :)
9. Do you have any pets? I don't :( how sad is that. I'm dying for a bulldog though.
10. Favourite perfume? My fave perfume is a little one by Tom Ford, it's Black Orchid. I have a review of it on my beauty blog here. :)
11. Favourite holiday? Probably when I went to Spain with my boyfriend last year. I'll post some photos at the end.
12. Are you married? Nope. I'm not sure it's something I really "believe" in I guess you could say.
13. Have you ever been out of the country? If so, how many times? I have. I've been out of the country 11 times, I've visited England a few times, been to Portugal, Spain, Tenerife and Italy :) 
14. Do you speak any other language? I only fluently speak English. I remember basic french and I'm trying to teach myself it again and eventually learn Italian and Spanish too. Generally though I can pick up on little things that a French or Italian person is saying when they speak.
15. How many siblings do you have? I have two older brothers, an older sister and when my dad married, he married into a family with two girls and a boy so I have three other step-siblings. I'll post some photos at the end.
16. What is your favourite shop? Hmm, for clothes probably New Look, Urban Outfitters or Boohoo.com and for makeup Beauty Bay.
17. Favourite restaurant? I have two, Jacker de Viande which is on West Regent Street in Glasgow and Guidis which is on the outskirts of Glasgow in a place called Coatbridge. I'll post some photos at the end.
18. When is the last time you cried? Yesterday. Was having an anxious day and just didn't feel good so I had a wee cry to myself, haha.
19. Favourite blog? Uhm, prob Rosanna Pierce's, I'll link it here. She also has a fab youtube channel that you should check out, it'll be on her blog somewhere :)
20. Favourite movie? Oh man, I have too many. For now I'll say A Nightmare on Elm Street (the 80's versions though, don't judge me but the 2010 one is shit)
21. Favourite TV show? Sex and the City
22. PC or MAC? MAC for sure
23. What phone do you have? I have an iPhone 5, hopefully get an upgrade soon.
24. How tall are you? I'm not 100% sure but I know I'm around 5'1 -5'3. 
25. Can you cook? I guess so? I can cook if I'm following something in particular or I'm being taught how to do it. Not sure that I can do it well, but you know :p

Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you got to know me a little better :) 

Other places to find me:

My facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/rachelgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

x x x x

Awkward Introductions.

Hello there,

If you have come from my beauty blog then hello, welcome! Welcome to my dark side! No, I'm totally kidding. I don't really know how to start this blog off since I'm so unbelievably bloody awkward so I'll just write and see where it takes me.

For those who didn't come from my beauty blog - hi! I'm Rachel, I'm nineteen and from Glasgow, but you've probably read that from the sidebar already... I wanted to start this blog because I suffer from depression, GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and I think there may be a little bit of OCD flung in there somewhere but I'm not certain over that yet and I'm certainly not going to self-diagnose. I have also suffered (??? don't know if that's the right sort of word to use for it) two deaths in my family that have severely affected me - my mum and my eldest brother. Anyway, I started this blog as a way to help myself - have a somewhat virtual diary (if I do do posts in a diary-like format then peoples names other than mine will be changed) and to help others who may relate to me in any way.

So, here goes! I don't know how often I'll write on here and I'm not going to make any promises so I'll just say once a week for now - it could be more or less but it just depends on how I personally feel and what I feel like I'd like to talk about.

I want to just say that if anyone at all needs anyone to reach out to - please don't hesitate to contact me via any of these links as I'm more than happy to talk to anyone who's struggling with anything. I know what it's like to feel alone. We're in this together.

Other places to find me:

My facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/rachelgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

My other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

Thank you for reading so far!

x x x x x