Grieving is a Slow, Painful Process

Daily, I battle with my own head and how I'm feeling. I try to think positively when I'm being/feeling very negative. I do anything to try lift myself out of that sort of frame of mind because I hate being so negative and feeling very low. Also, with being very low comes more panic attacks - and honestly, who wants to suffer a panic attack if you can help it?

Days where I can't even try to battle it are the days surrounding something bad having happened.. like my mum's anniversary of her death. It was on Monday, just there, the 19th of September. I was completely floored by it, I didn't expect to be whatsoever if I'm honest. It honestly and truly completely floored me though, and I felt like I wasn't going to be okay again. But now we're towards the end of this week I feel like I can breathe again and it's not so bad and I know I will start to feel more positive as the days go on.

But those few days, man were they awful. I replayed her whole morning she died in my head over and over, the funeral (I swear, just to torture myself) and the whole timeline of her illness was running around in my head. I thought of things I could've done to maybe help her out, things I should've said, how many times I should've told her I loved her rather than just staying quiet, how many times I should've thanked her for being such an amazingly strong lady and role model for me, how many times I should've shown her just how much I appreciate her.

I felt like I was falling apart all over again because when you realise all of these things that you could've, should've and would've done you feel like the worst person. But in reality that's not true, you did what felt right in those moments when you were with them. You only think of these things now, days, weeks, months, years later because you have had time to reflect. Don't feel guilty for things you maybe should've done or said and always remember that the person knows, you wouldn't have had to say it anyway.

It's been three years since I last saw my mum (I mean, I see her every day in my heart/head but I mean physically), gave her a cuddle, gave her a kiss on the head goodbye in the morning or told her 'I love you'. And honestly, it's been the longest three years of my entire life, the longest I've ever felt my heart be broken for - and I'm not totally sure it will ever be healed because for me, time doesn't seem to heal anything.

I love and miss you forever muma. You are my hero, forever and ever

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