Grieving is a Slow, Painful Process

Daily, I battle with my own head and how I'm feeling. I try to think positively when I'm being/feeling very negative. I do anything to try lift myself out of that sort of frame of mind because I hate being so negative and feeling very low. Also, with being very low comes more panic attacks - and honestly, who wants to suffer a panic attack if you can help it?

Days where I can't even try to battle it are the days surrounding something bad having happened.. like my mum's anniversary of her death. It was on Monday, just there, the 19th of September. I was completely floored by it, I didn't expect to be whatsoever if I'm honest. It honestly and truly completely floored me though, and I felt like I wasn't going to be okay again. But now we're towards the end of this week I feel like I can breathe again and it's not so bad and I know I will start to feel more positive as the days go on.

But those few days, man were they awful. I replayed her whole morning she died in my head over and over, the funeral (I swear, just to torture myself) and the whole timeline of her illness was running around in my head. I thought of things I could've done to maybe help her out, things I should've said, how many times I should've told her I loved her rather than just staying quiet, how many times I should've thanked her for being such an amazingly strong lady and role model for me, how many times I should've shown her just how much I appreciate her.

I felt like I was falling apart all over again because when you realise all of these things that you could've, should've and would've done you feel like the worst person. But in reality that's not true, you did what felt right in those moments when you were with them. You only think of these things now, days, weeks, months, years later because you have had time to reflect. Don't feel guilty for things you maybe should've done or said and always remember that the person knows, you wouldn't have had to say it anyway.

It's been three years since I last saw my mum (I mean, I see her every day in my heart/head but I mean physically), gave her a cuddle, gave her a kiss on the head goodbye in the morning or told her 'I love you'. And honestly, it's been the longest three years of my entire life, the longest I've ever felt my heart be broken for - and I'm not totally sure it will ever be healed because for me, time doesn't seem to heal anything.

I love and miss you forever muma. You are my hero, forever and ever

 xxxxxxxx

Losing My Mum.

Exactly three weeks after turning 17, I lost my wonderful mum and my whole life and heart shattered into tiny pieces soon after. She died on September 19th, 2013. Almost 3 years ago and my pain is still as strong, my heart isn't shattered but more like half-glued back together. Pieces are still missing and I'm almost certain that they always will be.

I genuinely remember the day from start to finish like it was yesterday (I wonder if that will ever change) - I got up and dressed for school, kissed her forehead and said "love you, see you later" and she managed a "love you" back, I got to school, I was down anyway because of the whole situation of my mum being ill so I don't remember being otherwise cheery, I was talking to one of my good friends about how my mum was doing and then my guidance teacher walked in the door, asked to speak to me outside and I knew from the minute he looked at me what had happened. I walked from my seat to him and it felt like a never ending walk although it was probably only seconds long. Loads of things were rushing through my head... Who was with her? Should I have stayed home from school? Did my stepdad get back in time for her passing? Was she okay? Did she go peacefully? 

My guidance teacher sat me down and told me my mum had passed away and my brother was coming to collect me. I already knew she had gone, I could feel it but the minute he said it was the minute my heart fell apart and I felt like my world was not ever going to be the same again. I felt so heartbroken about all the things I would miss with her... my graduation from school, prom, getting into college or university, my first proper boyfriend, getting engaged and married, having babies, everything - she was no longer going to be there for me at all. She was just gone. 

It's something that still hurts me so much that she doesn't get to experience everything that our family goes through... She doesn't get to see us grow and bond and become closer. I should have had all the time in the world with her, at least half my life but all I got was 17 years. Don't get me wrong, I am completely and utterly thankful for having her for those 17 years... I wouldn't be who I am today without having her for those years and I also wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't lost her.

Losing her has taught me to be sympathetic towards others because you really don't know what sort of situation someone is in and how someone may be feeling on the outside, regardless of what they're really thinking on the inside. It has taught me to be patient with someone when they are unwell. It's not their fault they are lethargic and you can't push them if they don't want to be pushed. It has taught me to love fiercely and always remember who my family are, where I've come from and who to always protect and respect. It has taught me that life is too short to fall out with people long term and to never have bad last words with anyone because you just never know what will happen. It's taught me not to take life for granted and to be who I truly am because there will never be another me and she made me, so I must be pretty great.

My mum was the most beautiful, kind hearted, fiercely protective, intelligent, funny, caring, strong, independent women and she really is the most wonderful woman I'll ever know. I'm so grateful she is my mum and I am her baby girl because there's no one else's I'd rather be. 

Here's to all the beautiful muma's out there! Remember they're doing their best and to always love and respect them with all that you have.

I miss and love you more than I'll ever be able to put in to words muma x x x

27/04/2015.

Hey there,

Birthdays of my family (and myself) always make me quite sad because it's then you really see who's missing and instead of celebrating properly there are definite holes where people should be.

For me in my house it's my mum and my brother, we lost them both within 6 months of one another and it sucked. It was the hardest thing for us as a family to try to overcome and I feel we have done as best we could with the circumstances we had. But today it's my stepdads birthday and I am really hurting inside because I can feel the gaps of two people who used to be here.

That's not to say that I don't always feel the gaps, I do, it's just more prominent on things like birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas. I know what my mum and my brother would want is for us to be happy and celebrate the way we would if they were here (cause really, they are here, we just can't see them) but it's just really hard to do so. You almost feel guilty.

Anyway, that's just a quick little thought of today from me.

 Thanks for reading

x x x

Mother's Day Blues.

Hello!

To all the mummies reading this, you are doing an absolutely amazing job and you deserve to have the most amazing, relaxing day and be spoiled by your babies!

Today, in the UK, we celebrate Mother's Day. Part of me loves it, part of me loves that you can see everyone showing their appreciation for their mum. But part of me hates it because why only one day? Why do people only show their appreciation for their mum on one day?
You should be doing it every single day.

I hate that I can't spoil my mum on this day, I also hate that I don't have my mum at all on any day. I can't tell her I love her and hear her say it back, I can't get a cuddle whenever I want, I can't just talk to her about everyday things. I feel like so many people completely take advantage of the fact that they have their mum and don't take the time to appreciate your parents every single day.

It only takes a second for everything to change and for someone you love to not be here anymore so I just want people to remember that. And if you're like me, struggling on a day to day basis but also struggling on days like today, having lost your mum. Know you're not alone.
Combat how you're feeling by writing her letters, I know it sounds silly but the way I believe in it is that she can totally see you, she can see what you're writing and it lets you get out your feelings.

Know that your mum loves you and appreciates you every single day so you should do the same for her. Without her, you wouldn't have your life, would you?

So, to my muma:

I love you so much. I miss you with everything I have, I wish I could have one cuddle and for you to say, "nevermind, mummy's here" as you always did when we were younger and upset. I hate that I can't talk to you but this will have to do, I hope you are having the most amazing time where you are and thank you for being wonderful to me. Happy Mother's Day.

My mum taught me how to be a strong, independent lady. She taught me how to love, how to be a friend, how to make sure you win in an argument (haha), how to be an all round wonderful person, how to cook, how to show you're the boss, how to be respectful but most importantly, she taught me not to be afraid of what people think of me - and whilst that's definitely difficult sometimes, it's important nonetheless and I am definitely not afraid to be who I am, I'm just me, unapologetically me. I love her and I love everything she was and everything she taught me to be.

I hope you all enjoy your own Mother's Day though with your families or if you're a Mummy yourself, I hope you are having the absolute best day!

Thank you for reading,

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x x x x x