My First Piece of Youtube Hate.

Okay, so honestly I'm just going to rant or ramble or whatever here today. Also, sorry it's been a while. I've actually been feeling really great recently so didn't want to write about negative things.

I got this comment on a recent youtube video:

And honestly, since I'm not really going to reply to it on there, I'm going to reply to it here.

So first off, I'm sitting down - at no time do you see my arms with the proportions of the rest of my body so you would have no way or inkling (is that how you say that?) to know that. My arms are perfectly proportionate to the rest of my body. As for my 'tits' - aka the most derogatory term you can call a females breasts (I am assuming this is a guy because only a guy would call them that) you don't and will not ever be able to see them on any youtube video I do so I don't get how you could even come to that conclusion as they are in no way whatsoever EVER visible. I make sure that my content on youtube is always about what I am doing or showing, not about my features or body in any way. I don't and never have wanted padding in my boobs - actually my boobs are pretty flat so again, there is no way to think they are lifted or pushed up in any way. I know I'm not hot, I know I won't be one of those girls that are hot. Regardless of my skin colour. But me being pale has nothing to do with my attractiveness. I also don't think I'm hot in any way so I don't get what the deal with that was. Lastly, yeah I am pretty ugly. Well done for making me feel extra though, just cause I know that was your plan. I was having a nice day till I read that, thank you, and I hope you feel as alone and just downright shit as you've just made me feel right now, for the rest of your life and that you die sad and alone and know just how outrageously disgusting you really are.



Okay so now I've replied, haha, I just want to say... I am in no way looking for sympathy about this. At first I was shaking of anger because I thought, "how dare someone say this about me?" you don't even know me, I would like to think I am an alright person that deserves a little bit of human decency. Fair enough if you didn't like the video - that's your own opinion and I respect that you're allowed to have it just as I am allowed to have mine. Fair enough if you find me hideous, I do sometimes too, but that in no way means that you should ever comment something so horrible on someone's video that they've took time to record and edit and try to do well on. If you have nothing nice to say just fucking leave me alone and go on with your day.

Now, however, I'm crying my heart out. This has allowed my couple of days of feeling really great to go right out of the window. Now, I feel utterly worthless. I feel so disgusting. And I feel ashamed to have videos out there. It's taken my passion away a little. And I'm totally allowed to feel this way because it's my first ever piece of hate I have ever gotten since starting blogging/youtube. And for my first piece of hate, fuck me it was a bad 'un.

I'm going to leave the videos I have up already (and the one I have scheduled to go up) but I don't think I'm going to continue. I just don't think I'll be able to handle anymore hateful comments or anything like that.

When I'm Missing my Mum/Brother...

Disclaimer: Okay, so honestly, I miss my mum and my brother day in day out, 24/7, I wouldn't be human if I didn't and I'm not trying to make it out like I don't miss them but for this post I'm talking about those days that all of us have, you know the ones, where you literally are pained because you miss them so much. Sometimes I miss one more than the other - for different reasons. I'm human, I love them both equally. Anyway yeah, here we go.


When I have those days where I miss them more than normal, it generally makes me numb about everything else, I can't quite cope with day to day things. I struggle on through and it's just really really difficult to do so anyway. I hate the thought of moving or doing anything because I'm just so down.

Those days are the worst. But I have some tips that I've learned to get myself through them and try cope a little bit better with my grief.

• My first tip is to simply look through old photos or home videos I have with them, sometimes hearing my brothers voice through his music he made is enough to settle me a little and give me a bit of comfort, seeing their faces always gives me comfort and brings back happy memories.
• Secondly, if it's a conversation I feel I need to have, I write a letter to them (sometimes both of them, sometimes just Mark, sometimes just mum) and if you're not wanting anyone else to see the letter once you've written it and let everything out, just rip it up. It's okay.
• Next, and this is only if I'm very, very down. I just let myself have the day. I just let myself have the day to grieve and cry and be sad and mope. It's okay to do it if you absolutely have to, your mental health always comes dirst.
• Next up is to talk to someone that knows them to chat about different memories or simply just to have someone to vent and relate to them.
• Lastly, try to think about what they'd say to you if they were there. I find comfort in that sometimes.

Always remember that no matter what you're doing to cope with grief, as long as you're not hurting yourself or others around you - you're grieving normally and the person you have lost is so proud of you and always will be.

Thank you for reading and remember I'm here at all times if you need anyone to talk to. I know it gets tough sometimes.

Other places to find me:

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

Twitter - rgarmentmua or rachelgarment

email - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

 x x x x x

5/05/16.

- Sorry for these kinds of posts, I realise they are a bit debby-downer but I said from the get go thats how this blog would be sometimes. -

Today I applied to jobs, I applied to opportunities on the Blogger Programme website that I was applicable for, I set up two blog posts to go on my beauty blog, I planned to do a makeup tutorial for youtube tomorrow, I spent time with my gran and really enjoyed doing so. Some would say that's a pretty productive day. I say, I feel empty.

I just feel nothing.

 I don't see myself getting a job in the near future and it's severely distressing because I am skint, I need the money, I hate not being able to buy things - not even basic things like food, I hate not being able to go out like a 19 year old should be and I hate other people having to pay for things for me. I'm also so bored of being home all the time. I'm so lonely.

I feel empty about my future, I just don't really see myself even in the future. I can't get past this and I don't feel like I'm ever going to.

People say there's always a light at the end of the tunnel - does that mean that, no matter how long the tunnel is you can still see it? Even if it's the tiniest little bit of light? Because I, personally, see nothing.

 Absolutely nothing.

And that is more depressing than how I feel to be honest.