it's ok to not be ok: April 2016

Wednesday 27 April 2016

27/04/2015.

Hey there,

Birthdays of my family (and myself) always make me quite sad because it's then you really see who's missing and instead of celebrating properly there are definite holes where people should be.

For me in my house it's my mum and my brother, we lost them both within 6 months of one another and it sucked. It was the hardest thing for us as a family to try to overcome and I feel we have done as best we could with the circumstances we had. But today it's my stepdads birthday and I am really hurting inside because I can feel the gaps of two people who used to be here.

That's not to say that I don't always feel the gaps, I do, it's just more prominent on things like birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas. I know what my mum and my brother would want is for us to be happy and celebrate the way we would if they were here (cause really, they are here, we just can't see them) but it's just really hard to do so. You almost feel guilty.

Anyway, that's just a quick little thought of today from me.

Thanks for reading

x x x

Friday 22 April 2016

22/04/16.

Just going to spill out a couple of things in a letter type format to a couple of people I know/knew/love/once loved... The people will be numbered obviously for their anonymity and because I just want to let all this out anyway, so their names don't really matter.

1. I don't think I'd be here without you, I think if I hadn't met you then I'd probably not be here right now because you are the only person that really, truly gets and understands me in every way. I can't thank you enough for always being there and for being my absolute rock whenever I need you. You are so strong and I admire you so much, you'll never realise how much.You are without a doubt the most amazing and beautiful little lady (inside and out) I've met. You are my best friend and I love you more every day. You are my soulmate and I can't picture my life without you now!

2. You make me laugh, even when I'm angry with you, you still manage to make me laugh. I think that's more important than anything, really. You are adorable. You make me feel at home, you make me feel like I'm worth something and you are my other best friend. I love you more every day, just like person number 1. (and I'm glad you both get on, it makes my heart happy) I love that when I'm down you do your best to look after me and be everything I need in that moment. I can't thank you enough for that. Your consistent support and love for me is something that genuinely keeps me going. Never change, you're an absolutely gorgeous person and you are so, so appreciated.

3 + 4. You two are without a doubt the strongest men I've ever known. I don't think I could've kept it together (well, I haven't) the way you two have. I think you are both amazing. You are the best men I could think of to have in my life, other than my boyfriend tbh. I love you both so much and you are both such amazing role models for me. You always have been, but more so now than ever. I can't thank you enough for being constant in my life, too.

5. Thank you for being there for me when I was younger. I couldn't of gotten through a lot of the stuff I have without you, you were amazing in those times and I have no doubt that you are going to make an amazing parent one day. You are definitely a force to be reckoned with. You are beautiful and have an amazing sense of humour and you are so wise beyond your years if I'm honest. I love you or maybe I used to. It pained me when you were hurt and sad. I felt sick to my stomach when you were down, it was like I could sense it. I thought everything of you. I thought you were the absolute bomb.com. I wanted to be just like you, you were everything to me. I was supposed to be yours and you were supposed to be mine. We were supposed to count on each other till the very end. But you've not been the same with me and I don't know how to act around you. I spent a lot of time crying over losing you and piecing everything together, thinking of every little thing I said and yet, I still can't think what it is I've done. I'm sorry, anyway. I wish you the best.

6. I'm so happy for you, for the life you've built for yourself, for everything you've accomplished and been and done. I really, truly am happy for you. I think you deserved some happiness. You're very strong and hard to read but I'd like to think I could read you - at least sometimes. You were always amazing, when I was broken you were like a brick wall for me to lean on and you were always there, within an hour of a text or phonecall. Thank you for that. I don't know what I would've done without it. I tried to be strong for you though and I hope you know that. However our relationship has changed and I don't know how or why. I feel our relationship should always come first as I always tried to put you first, too. I love you and I always will.

7. You always say nobody bothers with you but that couldn't be further from the truth. I do. I bother. And I love you. You're hilarious, you're beautiful and wise and just all round amazing. You cook the best food and you always feel like home to me. Whenever I cuddle you and I smell you it makes me nostalgic to when I was a tiny little lady and I just love it. I promise to spend more time with you, you deserve that at the very least.

8. I love how happy you are. If anyone deserves it, it's you! You are absolutely amazing. I can't thank you enough for being a sort of voice of reason for me this year and late last year. I want to be closer with you though, I feel like we should try maintain being really close because you are someone I've always missed from my life. I can't wait to be a part of your special day and I just love you so much. You are amazing.

9. You are probably the most patient person I've ever known in my life. I think it's incredible. You hold yourself so well. You are like a fierce, protective lioness and I admire it so much. I couldn't think of anyone better. You are beautiful and so talented and I'm so happy for you and all your success. You deserve it. I'm so glad you've started to really follow your dreams and you're putting yourself first. I'm proud of you and I love you. You are like a sister to me and I couldn't be happier about that.

x x x

Wednesday 13 April 2016

Weight Loss Goals.

Hey,

Honestly, my weight is one of the main things that gets me down. When I was younger, I was never really a 'chubby' kid, I had a fast metabolism, I generally could eat whatever I wanted and not gain any weight, I was naturally skinny, you know, all the things you complain about when you're younger about being 'fat' and you totally weren't - yeah, that was me.

Here I am now.

Well, the longer haired photos are from late last year, but still! I am now a big boobed, big bummed, massive thighed, stretch marks everywhere including the tummy kinda gal. And while I am all for people who are this size (and/or bigger or smaller) to be completely body confident, I mean, you go girl (or guy) if you can be confident about it. I just can't.

I haven't been near scales in over a year, I barely go in front of full length mirrors if I can avoid it and I rarely take full length selfies - being why these are the only I have.

So I don't know how much I weigh and I don't want to ever really know, necessarily. All I know is that I am roughly a 12-16 in dress size depending on the shop/what I buy etc. I think watching the number on the scales (or the number of calories etc) can be a very slippery slope so I don't want to go down that route by any means. God knows my brain has enough as it is. I just want to know that I've lost a good few stone by results. So, I think I need to set up some goals for myself, don't you?

I am by no means going to turn into this lover of fitness and healthy food and be this fitness guru that you see on so many social media platforms. Because the truth is, I hate working out, I hate cardio, I hate being out of breath, I hate 'the burn' - I am anaemic for fuck's sake, I have no energy as it is (and whilst some might say working out would give me more energy, it doesn't, iron does, so stfu). I also am a massive lover of junk food, beer and all things that are bad for me. It's a problem. We have been in a serious relationship all my life (except for the beer, I was not a baby alcoholic just a 19 year old one) and it's gonna be hard to cut it all out. Anyway, I'm rambling.

My goals are:

1. To cut down all the sweet shit I eat. Aka, no more crisps, chocolate, sweets of any kind whatsoever.

2. Go outside for at least an hour to walk. Yes, walk. It'll do for just now until I feel more confident with myself/working out.

3. Work out at home for the time being and find something that works for me.

4. Eat healthier.

5. Limit a takeaway to once a month.

6. Cut down on beer, sugary drinks and energy drinks. Try to drink 2L of water everyday.

7. Finally (and most importantly) try to get my dress size down to strictly a 10-12.

I know that I am by no means that skinny little girl I used to be. I have grown into a woman. A woman who has grown boobs and wide hips. I'm never going to be a size 6 again and that's okay. What's not okay is feeling as shit as I do about myself now and I think it's about time I do something about it!

Hopefully this time next year I can be closer to my goal but I will keep it updated on here as to how I'm feeling. I'm starting it after April though because I've just been to Paris and I'd feel daft starting it now (I'm writing this late March, btw).

I'm going to take a picture every Wednesday for 3 months and see if I see any difference. If I do, you'll get updated posts! :)

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed/this wasn't too boring!

Remember though that the number on the scales does NOT define who you are.

Other places to find me:

My facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/rgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

Love,

Rachel

x x x x

Wednesday 6 April 2016

My Travel Bucket List.

Hey there,

Since I'm going to be in Paris very very soon, I thought I'd do my travel bucket list! All images I take are from google images.

I have so many places I want to visit but I'll try to make this somewhat short and sweet. You should tell me a couple of places you want to visit! :)

: Paris
I know I'm going in two days but still including it here, haha!