27/04/2015.

Hey there,

Birthdays of my family (and myself) always make me quite sad because it's then you really see who's missing and instead of celebrating properly there are definite holes where people should be.

For me in my house it's my mum and my brother, we lost them both within 6 months of one another and it sucked. It was the hardest thing for us as a family to try to overcome and I feel we have done as best we could with the circumstances we had. But today it's my stepdads birthday and I am really hurting inside because I can feel the gaps of two people who used to be here.

That's not to say that I don't always feel the gaps, I do, it's just more prominent on things like birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas. I know what my mum and my brother would want is for us to be happy and celebrate the way we would if they were here (cause really, they are here, we just can't see them) but it's just really hard to do so. You almost feel guilty.

Anyway, that's just a quick little thought of today from me.

 Thanks for reading

x x x

22/04/16.

Just going to spill out a couple of things in a letter type format to a couple of people I know/knew/love/once loved... The people will be numbered obviously for their anonymity and because I just want to let all this out anyway, so their names don't really matter.

1. I don't think I'd be here without you, I think if I hadn't met you then I'd probably not be here right now because you are the only person that really, truly gets and understands me in every way. I can't thank you enough for always being there and for being my absolute rock whenever I need you. You are so strong and I admire you so much, you'll never realise how much.You are without a doubt the most amazing and beautiful little lady (inside and out) I've met. You are my best friend and I love you more every day. You are my soulmate and I can't picture my life without you now!

2. You make me laugh, even when I'm angry with you, you still manage to make me laugh. I think that's more important than anything, really. You are adorable. You make me feel at home, you make me feel like I'm worth something and you are my other best friend. I love you more every day, just like person number 1. (and I'm glad you both get on, it makes my heart happy) I love that when I'm down you do your best to look after me and be everything I need in that moment. I can't thank you enough for that. Your consistent support and love for me is something that genuinely keeps me going. Never change, you're an absolutely gorgeous person and you are so, so appreciated.

3 + 4. You two are without a doubt the strongest men I've ever known. I don't think I could've kept it together (well, I haven't) the way you two have. I think you are both amazing. You are the best men I could think of to have in my life, other than my boyfriend tbh. I love you both so much and you are both such amazing role models for me. You always have been, but more so now than ever. I can't thank you enough for being constant in my life, too.

5. Thank you for being there for me when I was younger. I couldn't of gotten through a lot of the stuff I have without you, you were amazing in those times and I have no doubt that you are going to make an amazing parent one day. You are definitely a force to be reckoned with. You are beautiful and have an amazing sense of humour and you are so wise beyond your years if I'm honest. I love you or maybe I used to. It pained me when you were hurt and sad. I felt sick to my stomach when you were down, it was like I could sense it. I thought everything of you. I thought you were the absolute bomb.com. I wanted to be just like you, you were everything to me. I was supposed to be yours and you were supposed to be mine. We were supposed to count on each other till the very end. But you've not been the same with me and I don't know how to act around you. I spent a lot of time crying over losing you and piecing everything together, thinking of every little thing I said and yet, I still can't think what it is I've done. I'm sorry, anyway. I wish you the best.

6. I'm so happy for you, for the life you've built for yourself, for everything you've accomplished and been and done. I really, truly am happy for you. I think you deserved some happiness. You're very strong and hard to read but I'd like to think I could read you - at least sometimes. You were always amazing, when I was broken you were like a brick wall for me to lean on and you were always there, within an hour of a text or phonecall. Thank you for that. I don't know what I would've done without it. I tried to be strong for you though and I hope you know that. However our relationship  has changed and I don't know how or why. I feel our relationship should always come first as I always tried to put you first, too. I love you and I always will.

7. You always say nobody bothers with you but that couldn't be further from the truth. I do. I bother. And I love you. You're hilarious, you're beautiful and wise and just all round amazing. You cook the best food and you always feel like home to me. Whenever I cuddle you and I smell you it makes me nostalgic to when I was a tiny little lady and I just love it. I promise to spend more time with you, you deserve that at the very least.

8. I love how happy you are. If anyone deserves it, it's you! You are absolutely amazing. I can't thank you enough for being a sort of voice of reason for me this year and late last year. I want to be closer with you though, I feel like we should try maintain being really close because you are someone I've always missed from my life. I can't wait to be a part of your special day and I just love you so much. You are amazing.

9. You are probably the most patient person I've ever known in my life. I think it's incredible. You hold yourself so well. You are like a fierce, protective lioness and I admire it so much. I couldn't think of anyone better. You are beautiful and so talented and I'm so happy for you and all your success. You deserve it. I'm so glad you've started to really follow your dreams and you're putting yourself first. I'm proud of you and I love you. You are like a sister to me and I couldn't be happier about that.

x x x 

Weight Loss Goals.

Hey,

Honestly, my weight is one of the main things that gets me down. When I was younger, I was never really a 'chubby' kid, I had a fast metabolism, I generally could eat whatever I wanted and not gain any weight, I was naturally skinny, you know, all the things you complain about when you're younger about being 'fat' and you totally weren't - yeah, that was me.

Here I am now.

Well, the longer haired photos are from late last year, but still! I am now a big boobed, big bummed, massive thighed, stretch marks everywhere including the tummy kinda gal. And while I am all for people who are this size (and/or bigger or smaller) to be completely body confident, I mean, you go girl (or guy) if you can be confident about it. I just can't.

I haven't been near scales in over a year, I barely go in front of full length mirrors if I can avoid it and I rarely take full length selfies - being why these are the only I have.

So I don't know how much I weigh and I don't want to ever really know, necessarily. All I know is that I am roughly a 12-16 in dress size depending on the shop/what I buy etc. I think watching the number on the scales (or the number of calories etc) can be a very slippery slope so I don't want to go down that route by any means. God knows my brain has enough as it is. I just want to know that I've lost a good few stone by results. So, I think I need to set up some goals for myself, don't you?

I am by no means going to turn into this lover of fitness and healthy food and be this fitness guru that you see on so many social media platforms. Because the truth is, I hate working out, I hate cardio, I hate being out of breath, I hate 'the burn' - I am anaemic for fuck's sake, I have no energy as it is (and whilst some might say working out would give me more energy, it doesn't, iron does, so stfu). I also am a massive lover of junk food, beer and all things that are bad for me. It's a problem. We have been in a serious relationship all my life (except for the beer, I was not a baby alcoholic just a 19 year old one) and it's gonna be hard to cut it all out. Anyway, I'm rambling.

My goals are:

1. To cut down all the sweet shit I eat. Aka, no more crisps, chocolate, sweets of any kind whatsoever.

2. Go outside for at least an hour to walk. Yes, walk. It'll do for just now until I feel more confident with myself/working out.

3. Work out at home for the time being and find something that works for me.

4. Eat healthier. 

5. Limit a takeaway to once a month.

6. Cut down on beer, sugary drinks and energy drinks. Try to drink 2L of water everyday.

7. Finally (and most importantly) try to get my dress size down to strictly a 10-12.

I know that I am by no means that skinny little girl I used to be. I have grown into a woman. A woman who has grown boobs and wide hips. I'm never going to be a size 6 again and that's okay. What's not okay is feeling as shit as I do about myself now and I think it's about time I do something about it!

Hopefully this time next year I can be closer to my goal but I will keep it updated on here as to how I'm feeling. I'm starting it after April though because I've just been to Paris and I'd feel daft starting it now (I'm writing this late March, btw).

I'm going to take a picture every Wednesday for 3 months and see if I see any difference. If I do, you'll get updated posts! :)

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed/this wasn't too boring!

Remember though that the number on the scales does NOT define who you are.

Other places to find me:

My facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/rgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

Love, 

Rachel

x x x x 

My Travel Bucket List.

Hey there,

Since I'm going to be in Paris very very soon, I thought I'd do my travel bucket list! All images I take are from google images.

I have so many places I want to visit but I'll try to make this somewhat short and sweet. You should tell me a couple of places you want to visit! :)

: Paris
I know I'm going in two days but still including it here, haha!

: Rome

I've been but only for a day and I'd love to go for a lot longer and explore!

: Venice

: Florence

: Belgium

: Los Angeles

: New York

: Mexico

: Chicago

: Barcelona

: Madrid

: Auckland/New Zealand

:India

: Bali

: Bora Bora

: Dominican Republic

: Greece

I think that's a pretty good (and expensive) travel bucket list for now! I'll probably add more as I think of them... I hope you enjoyed this post!

Other places to find me:

My facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/rgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

Love, 

Rachel 

xxx

Five Year Plan.

Hey again.

A little bit more of a light hearted post today than last week's one, but like I've said from the beginning of this blog - some of the posts might just be a little bit dark. Like a diary somewhat.

Anyway, today I thought I'd do a post on my five year plan. I'm sure you've all heard of one. I'm gonna list at least 5 goals that I want to have achieved in five years, by the time I turn 25 (oh my holy god that is scary to even think about). You should let me know a couple of yours in the comments! :)

1. Career.

I'd like to either be trained in Makeup Artistry and if I decide not to go to college then at least established myself as a Freelance Artist and getting my name out there, maybe working for a company that I enjoy.

2. My blog/youtube.

I'd quite like to be continuing my blog from here on out, pretty much, I reckon it'll change as I get older. If you haven't read my blog yet then check it out here. I would like it to be quite successful and stay something that I really enjoy doing, maybe have worked with a few companies. I'd also like my youtube channel to have grown quite a bit, I like the idea of doing youtube on the side with a video on the likes of once a week or something, I think that'd be quite cool.

3.  Have my own house/flat. Bonus points if it has my own makeup room.

I'd love a house by the time I'm 25, ideally, but I realise that may not be the case so a flat will do. I'd love my own place and to have somewhere I can call my own and be able to pay for it on my own, that would be amazing. 

4. Have a puppy of my own!

I love animals, cats and dogs to be precise and I've always wanted my own puppy - I say this because I'm actually allergic to cats and I don't always take a reaction but I also hate it when I do, so I'd probably prefer a puppy. Bonus points if its an English Bulldog. Heart eyes af.

5. Be body confident.

I don't really remember ever looking at myself, my body in the mirror and liking what I see, so in 5 years time I'd like to be able to say that I can comfortably wear whatever I want regardless of who's around and that I like what I see in the mirror, it's what my poor little body deserves after all, haha!

Well, there's 5 of my goals for the next 5 years. I think these are pretty achievable - I'm 19 right now and I want to have achieved these by my 25th birthday. I think that's alright, don't you? Haha, maybe I'll come back in 5 years and see how I've got on! ;)

Remember it's good to set yourself goals sometimes. Reminds you to aim for the stars and get yourself to stay productive. You'll get there in the end!

Thank you for reading, you should tell me your 5 year goals in the comments!

Other places to find me:

My facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/rgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

Lots of love, 

Rachel 

x x x 

Feelin' Like a Failure.

Do you ever get those days where you just feel really really shitty?
You just think about your whole life and it's not really panning out how you'd like it to?

That's how I feel today. I just feel like I should be much further on in life than I am. I feel like I'm not doing anyone proud, it's difficult to be like this because my down days compared to someone without depression are really horrifically hard. 

I'm 19. Typically, I should be half way through uni/college, with a part time job and maybe a little car, or getting lessons to drive and going out on weekends with friends and having money to spend on myself/the people I care about. My reality is that I am no where near where I want to be in college/uni life, I done a course for a couple of months that I absolutely hated so I left rather than sticking it out and I'm right back to square 1. I don't have a part time job. This and my beauty blog are my only things that I officially 'do'. I am not a qualified makeup artist. I very rarely get jobs with it and I struggle to put myself out there because I simply do not feel good enough yet. I am struggling for money, struggling to get to go anywhere nevermind out on weekends. I am trying my hardest to get a job, get something done with my life, DO something. But nothing seems to be working out for me.

I am barely living.

And I feel like such a failure for it.

Anyway, I'm not sure how long I'll keep this post up for. Some days I just feel like this. Some days I don't. But I just want you, whoever's reading to know that if you feel like this - you're not alone. I feel this way sometimes - well, a lot of the time - too and you are never, ever alone. I promise you won't feel like this forever, too. You'll be okay.

We will all be able to look back one day and say '"we've made it."

But for now, lets just let ourselves have a little whinge.

Thanks for reading this ridiculously negative post. Next one should hopefully be more of a self help one. If you have any ideas of what I should do next, please don't hesitate to write in the comments or on any of these other platforms: 

Other places to find me:

My facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/rgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

 x x x x

How I Calm Myself During a Panic Attack.

Hey there,

If you, like me, suffer from frequent panic attacks I've jotted down 10 things that I do that help me overcome/calm down from a panic attack. 

I am not a professional. I'm not claiming that these things will help you, I'm just claiming that these things help me. It's always worth a try. There's nothing worse than having panic attacks and having no clue how to deal with them so I suggest trying everything you can to try and help yourself. I promise it's worth it. If none of these work talk to your GP about other methods of help for this and you will find something that works for you.

If you're still struggling to find something and one of these help you, great! I'm so glad! If they don't, simply just remind yourself that you will be okay until you find something that helps. It may feel like they last forever but I promise they don't. And remember to be proud of yourself, you are doing so well!

1. Get in contact with a family member or a friend that you trust and that understands panic attacks/what they are like. 

This one is pretty self explanatory but sometimes I feel like just talking to someone that understands is so worthwhile. Talking to someone that you love and care for will slow your racing heart down and you will start to forget that you were ever panicking, it's worth a try because I'm sure you have plenty of people who's willing to take a 10-15 minute phone call from you if it helps. 

2. Listen to your favourite band or your favourite song.

Try to put music on that makes you happy - whether it's your favourite song, your favourite album, whatever. Try to sing along in your head, doing this will keep your mind from racing about all the things you're panicking about and is generally a good one to use if you're out and about since most of us are guaranteed to have a phone with music on it and earphones! I tend to use this one if I'm going somewhere I'm anxious about and do it on the journey there.

3. Remove yourself from the situation.

Say you're in the middle of a club, it's really warm, you're surrounded by lots of people, maybe drunk people make you nervous and anxious - simply just go into the fresh air and remove yourself from the situation for a while until you feel better. This one is sometimes not possible depending on where you are and what you're doing but it's always worth a try too.

4. Count to ten, remember to breathe.

This one sounds a bit stupid but I swear it works. If you only let yourself focus on taking 10 very slow, deep breaths your brain focuses on that and the more air you're letting into your lungs and breathing out it will calm you. It's one of my go-to's for panic attacks and just anything that makes me nervous in general tbh.

5. Try to break the panic attack down.

This one could be considered a wee bit risky but if you do it right this tends to work. Try to break down the root of why you're panicking. Like, for me, say I'm worrying about a blog post not being ready or the way I'd like it to be, I'd make sure I set myself at least half an hour to perfect it so I don't go panicking about it later, you know? It's the same with anything, if you try and break down the root of the panic attack then you will see there's generally always a solution. It will be okay!

6. Counting backwards from 100.

Again a little bit of a self explanatory one, but focusing on something other than your panic attack is key. Basically, don't let the panic attack win. You don't necessarily have to count backwards from 100 - you could count to 100 or you could do a little crossword if you have an app on your phone. Anything like that to take your mind from the panic attack and onto something else.

7. Think about one of your favourite or happiest memories.

This is one I use quite a bit. I'll think about something from when I was younger or just something that makes me really happy and try to imagine myself there in that moment and my panic attack tends to just drift away.

8. Write down your feelings.

Again this one is about focusing on something else, this one is a hit or miss depending on how severe the panic attack is so I tend to only do this if I just feel anxious - not so much if I'm having an actual panic attack. I just write down what I'm feeling and why I think I'm feeling that way and it tends to help, even if only a little.

9. Anxiety App on your phone.

There are loads of apps on the market now that are centred around anxiety and helping you with your panic attack. I suggest finding one that you really enjoy and using it whenever you're needing calmed down.

10. If all else fails, medication.

This one is a hit or miss with people because a lot of people don't like taking medication. But if your panic attacks are incredibly frequent and severe, medication might be a good route to go to try and solve that. Maybe therapy as well to figure out what your triggers are and why you're suffering so bad.

Thank you for reading, I hope this helped some of you.

Other places to find me:

My facebook page - https://www.facebook.com/rachelgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

x x x