10 Things to Thank My Boyfriend For.

Hey, 

So since I'm a bit low today and I'm not doing too great, I wanted to do a 10 Things to Thank My (insert person I love here) over the next couple of days. I seen a tweet that Corey Taylor (frontman of Slipknot/Stone Sour) wrote and in it he said that when he's having a low moment he thanks the people he's grateful for for being there etc. So my first post of this little series is going to be:

10 Things to Thank My Boyfriend For.

1. For tickling my back even when he's exhausted from work and can't be bothered, haha! What an angel.
2. For teaming up with me with making dinner and teaching me different ways to do things in the kitchen (he's a chef) and showing me new recipes and foods that I'd maybe never attempt or try! For making me more adventurous with food, too.
3. For putting up with my ridiculously annoying highs and lows and never complaining. He might not always understand my lows and truly understand why I feel as bad as I do but he still tries his hardest to and comforts me when I'm really down.
4. For making me laugh in the best way, the proper belly aching laugh that kills you because it hurts so much to laugh more but you can't help it. He even makes me laugh when I'm annoyed at him and honestly, that's a talent.
5. For loving me for who I am, flaws and all. I know I'm tough to deal with and tough to love, I push people away, I can be quite hateful towards myself and I can be mean to myself but he loves me nonetheless and is sure to tell me at least 50 times every day :) - no complaints though, I like it that way.
6. For cuddling me in the middle of the night when he wakes a little and just giving me that little squeeze - I've never felt more content.
7. For being not just a boyfriend, but a best friend. 
8. For laughing at my stepdads sometimes awful jokes and just getting along with my family in general, being kind, offering to help out with things and showing interest in them. It makes me happy to see all the people I love get along.
9. For being just so damn cute sometimes and making my heart melt with cute things he says/does. 
10. For trying every single fucking thing possible to make me happy when I don't feel like I could be for a little while. It makes me feel better to know that I have someone who will always try their hardest and fight for me when I don't feel like I can, who will love me regardless of how I feel, for making me smile all the time and for his kisses and cuddles that help make me feel safe and loved. Especially the forehead kisses, they're my favourite.

To Dan, I love you so much it hurts and I'm so very thankful that I've got you in my life and you are amazing! Never forget that :)

x x x 

How to Deal With Suicidal Thoughts.

So, lately I've been feeling unbelievably down, alone even when I'm in a room full of people and to be quite honest, suicidal. It happens. I'm used to feeling this way to an extent - it still doesn't get any less hard to know you're feeling this way and it still always makes me disappointed in myself to know I feel that I'd be better off not here anymore but still, I'm sort of used to little periods of time coming where that is simply just the way I feel.

I figured I'd do a little paragraph on how I try to help myself when I feel suicidal, you never know, it just might help somebody in need. Remember if you feel alone or want some help or just to talk to someone, there is always the Samaritans (who have helped me on a number of occasions and it's so useful to talk to someone out-with your whole situation) or if you don't feel comfortable with that, email me at rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com or speak to someone you love dearly.

I think it's important to remind yourself that you're not alone, there are so many people that feel this way too - so it in no way makes you 'weird' or a 'freak' to be thinking like this. Treat yourself with some kindness whilst you feel like this too, it's not going to make anything any better or pull yourself out of it quicker if you're being really damn hard on yourself. Feeling like this is hard enough. Listen to songs that make you happy, songs that make you think of your happiest memories - songs that will always make you smile. Listen to them all day, every day if you have to. Write down exactly how you feel and then rip it up. Rip it into tiny shreds and it'll let some aggression out. Cry. Cry until you can't physically cry anymore. Go somewhere that makes you feel peaceful - for me that is a very long bath. See a family member that you love, either that you can talk to with no judgement about anything or someone that always makes you laugh. It could also be a friend. Watch a movie. Try to connect with anything that makes you smile or happy or hopeful. Try to sleep. Sometimes I've found myself being really suicidal and having a decent sleep (especially if I've not slept very well/not slept at all before hand) it can take a huge dent out of feeling that way.

I just want to say - in no way am I saying that these things shift feeling suicidal - they don't for me sometimes, sometimes I have to just ride it out and hope I'm going to come out of the other side of it feeling lifted and somewhat 'normal' again. But sometimes they do take the edge off of feeling that way and if I can help anyone do that... Then I've done a good job. I've been feeling like this on and off for a month now and I just felt like rather than talk about how I've been feeling - talk about what has been helping me - even if it's just a little bit to try help someone else if possible.

Remember if your symptoms persist, please get in touch with the Samaritans, go onto the Mind website to have a look and see what you can do for yourself. Or if you feel scared that you may attempt suicide - please, I urge you to get in contact with your GP. Get the help you need and deserve. It's not a shameful thing to admit you need help. I promise.

Look after yourself, thanks for reading.

20/06/16.

Hey,

It's funny how all these amazing 'highs' or happy times I have in my life are then brought back down with these incredibly tense, horrible 'lows' or bad times.

I just became an aunt again and I can't quite get over how cute the baby is. I got into college to do Make-Up at somewhere that is closer to my home, is more of a course that I want to do and I got on really well with the lecturer that interviewed me.
I have the most awesome family and a wonderful boyfriend, amazing friends, but I still feel so, so alone. I just feel so horribly down all the time and even though all this good news is surrounding me I just feel like... almost like I'm not good enough to have it?
I don't know. I'm just really down again I guess. It's really horrible to feel this way. I wish I could stop it.

x

4/06/16.

I actually cannot believe it's June already. This year has gone so fast so far. But also not fast enough if that makes sense?

Anyway, I got into college! I'm doing a Makeup course which I'm super excited about, it should hopefully be really really good! I'm a little nervous as my last college course didn't go so great but I'm hoping I'll be okay!

My First Piece of Youtube Hate.

Okay, so honestly I'm just going to rant or ramble or whatever here today. Also, sorry it's been a while. I've actually been feeling really great recently so didn't want to write about negative things.

I got this comment on a recent youtube video:

And honestly, since I'm not really going to reply to it on there, I'm going to reply to it here.

So first off, I'm sitting down - at no time do you see my arms with the proportions of the rest of my body so you would have no way or inkling (is that how you say that?) to know that. My arms are perfectly proportionate to the rest of my body. As for my 'tits' - aka the most derogatory term you can call a females breasts (I am assuming this is a guy because only a guy would call them that) you don't and will not ever be able to see them on any youtube video I do so I don't get how you could even come to that conclusion as they are in no way whatsoever EVER visible. I make sure that my content on youtube is always about what I am doing or showing, not about my features or body in any way. I don't and never have wanted padding in my boobs - actually my boobs are pretty flat so again, there is no way to think they are lifted or pushed up in any way. I know I'm not hot, I know I won't be one of those girls that are hot. Regardless of my skin colour. But me being pale has nothing to do with my attractiveness. I also don't think I'm hot in any way so I don't get what the deal with that was. Lastly, yeah I am pretty ugly. Well done for making me feel extra though, just cause I know that was your plan. I was having a nice day till I read that, thank you, and I hope you feel as alone and just downright shit as you've just made me feel right now, for the rest of your life and that you die sad and alone and know just how outrageously disgusting you really are.



Okay so now I've replied, haha, I just want to say... I am in no way looking for sympathy about this. At first I was shaking of anger because I thought, "how dare someone say this about me?" you don't even know me, I would like to think I am an alright person that deserves a little bit of human decency. Fair enough if you didn't like the video - that's your own opinion and I respect that you're allowed to have it just as I am allowed to have mine. Fair enough if you find me hideous, I do sometimes too, but that in no way means that you should ever comment something so horrible on someone's video that they've took time to record and edit and try to do well on. If you have nothing nice to say just fucking leave me alone and go on with your day.

Now, however, I'm crying my heart out. This has allowed my couple of days of feeling really great to go right out of the window. Now, I feel utterly worthless. I feel so disgusting. And I feel ashamed to have videos out there. It's taken my passion away a little. And I'm totally allowed to feel this way because it's my first ever piece of hate I have ever gotten since starting blogging/youtube. And for my first piece of hate, fuck me it was a bad 'un.

I'm going to leave the videos I have up already (and the one I have scheduled to go up) but I don't think I'm going to continue. I just don't think I'll be able to handle anymore hateful comments or anything like that.

When I'm Missing my Mum/Brother...

Disclaimer: Okay, so honestly, I miss my mum and my brother day in day out, 24/7, I wouldn't be human if I didn't and I'm not trying to make it out like I don't miss them but for this post I'm talking about those days that all of us have, you know the ones, where you literally are pained because you miss them so much. Sometimes I miss one more than the other - for different reasons. I'm human, I love them both equally. Anyway yeah, here we go.


When I have those days where I miss them more than normal, it generally makes me numb about everything else, I can't quite cope with day to day things. I struggle on through and it's just really really difficult to do so anyway. I hate the thought of moving or doing anything because I'm just so down.

Those days are the worst. But I have some tips that I've learned to get myself through them and try cope a little bit better with my grief.

• My first tip is to simply look through old photos or home videos I have with them, sometimes hearing my brothers voice through his music he made is enough to settle me a little and give me a bit of comfort, seeing their faces always gives me comfort and brings back happy memories.
• Secondly, if it's a conversation I feel I need to have, I write a letter to them (sometimes both of them, sometimes just Mark, sometimes just mum) and if you're not wanting anyone else to see the letter once you've written it and let everything out, just rip it up. It's okay.
• Next, and this is only if I'm very, very down. I just let myself have the day. I just let myself have the day to grieve and cry and be sad and mope. It's okay to do it if you absolutely have to, your mental health always comes dirst.
• Next up is to talk to someone that knows them to chat about different memories or simply just to have someone to vent and relate to them.
• Lastly, try to think about what they'd say to you if they were there. I find comfort in that sometimes.

Always remember that no matter what you're doing to cope with grief, as long as you're not hurting yourself or others around you - you're grieving normally and the person you have lost is so proud of you and always will be.

Thank you for reading and remember I'm here at all times if you need anyone to talk to. I know it gets tough sometimes.

Other places to find me:

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

Twitter - rgarmentmua or rachelgarment

email - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

 x x x x x

5/05/16.

- Sorry for these kinds of posts, I realise they are a bit debby-downer but I said from the get go thats how this blog would be sometimes. -

Today I applied to jobs, I applied to opportunities on the Blogger Programme website that I was applicable for, I set up two blog posts to go on my beauty blog, I planned to do a makeup tutorial for youtube tomorrow, I spent time with my gran and really enjoyed doing so. Some would say that's a pretty productive day. I say, I feel empty.

I just feel nothing.

 I don't see myself getting a job in the near future and it's severely distressing because I am skint, I need the money, I hate not being able to buy things - not even basic things like food, I hate not being able to go out like a 19 year old should be and I hate other people having to pay for things for me. I'm also so bored of being home all the time. I'm so lonely.

I feel empty about my future, I just don't really see myself even in the future. I can't get past this and I don't feel like I'm ever going to.

People say there's always a light at the end of the tunnel - does that mean that, no matter how long the tunnel is you can still see it? Even if it's the tiniest little bit of light? Because I, personally, see nothing.

 Absolutely nothing.

And that is more depressing than how I feel to be honest.