4/06/16.

I actually cannot believe it's June already. This year has gone so fast so far. But also not fast enough if that makes sense?

Anyway, I got into college! I'm doing a Makeup course which I'm super excited about, it should hopefully be really really good! I'm a little nervous as my last college course didn't go so great but I'm hoping I'll be okay!

My First Piece of Youtube Hate.

Okay, so honestly I'm just going to rant or ramble or whatever here today. Also, sorry it's been a while. I've actually been feeling really great recently so didn't want to write about negative things.

I got this comment on a recent youtube video:

And honestly, since I'm not really going to reply to it on there, I'm going to reply to it here.

So first off, I'm sitting down - at no time do you see my arms with the proportions of the rest of my body so you would have no way or inkling (is that how you say that?) to know that. My arms are perfectly proportionate to the rest of my body. As for my 'tits' - aka the most derogatory term you can call a females breasts (I am assuming this is a guy because only a guy would call them that) you don't and will not ever be able to see them on any youtube video I do so I don't get how you could even come to that conclusion as they are in no way whatsoever EVER visible. I make sure that my content on youtube is always about what I am doing or showing, not about my features or body in any way. I don't and never have wanted padding in my boobs - actually my boobs are pretty flat so again, there is no way to think they are lifted or pushed up in any way. I know I'm not hot, I know I won't be one of those girls that are hot. Regardless of my skin colour. But me being pale has nothing to do with my attractiveness. I also don't think I'm hot in any way so I don't get what the deal with that was. Lastly, yeah I am pretty ugly. Well done for making me feel extra though, just cause I know that was your plan. I was having a nice day till I read that, thank you, and I hope you feel as alone and just downright shit as you've just made me feel right now, for the rest of your life and that you die sad and alone and know just how outrageously disgusting you really are.



Okay so now I've replied, haha, I just want to say... I am in no way looking for sympathy about this. At first I was shaking of anger because I thought, "how dare someone say this about me?" you don't even know me, I would like to think I am an alright person that deserves a little bit of human decency. Fair enough if you didn't like the video - that's your own opinion and I respect that you're allowed to have it just as I am allowed to have mine. Fair enough if you find me hideous, I do sometimes too, but that in no way means that you should ever comment something so horrible on someone's video that they've took time to record and edit and try to do well on. If you have nothing nice to say just fucking leave me alone and go on with your day.

Now, however, I'm crying my heart out. This has allowed my couple of days of feeling really great to go right out of the window. Now, I feel utterly worthless. I feel so disgusting. And I feel ashamed to have videos out there. It's taken my passion away a little. And I'm totally allowed to feel this way because it's my first ever piece of hate I have ever gotten since starting blogging/youtube. And for my first piece of hate, fuck me it was a bad 'un.

I'm going to leave the videos I have up already (and the one I have scheduled to go up) but I don't think I'm going to continue. I just don't think I'll be able to handle anymore hateful comments or anything like that.

When I'm Missing my Mum/Brother...

Disclaimer: Okay, so honestly, I miss my mum and my brother day in day out, 24/7, I wouldn't be human if I didn't and I'm not trying to make it out like I don't miss them but for this post I'm talking about those days that all of us have, you know the ones, where you literally are pained because you miss them so much. Sometimes I miss one more than the other - for different reasons. I'm human, I love them both equally. Anyway yeah, here we go.


When I have those days where I miss them more than normal, it generally makes me numb about everything else, I can't quite cope with day to day things. I struggle on through and it's just really really difficult to do so anyway. I hate the thought of moving or doing anything because I'm just so down.

Those days are the worst. But I have some tips that I've learned to get myself through them and try cope a little bit better with my grief.

• My first tip is to simply look through old photos or home videos I have with them, sometimes hearing my brothers voice through his music he made is enough to settle me a little and give me a bit of comfort, seeing their faces always gives me comfort and brings back happy memories.
• Secondly, if it's a conversation I feel I need to have, I write a letter to them (sometimes both of them, sometimes just Mark, sometimes just mum) and if you're not wanting anyone else to see the letter once you've written it and let everything out, just rip it up. It's okay.
• Next, and this is only if I'm very, very down. I just let myself have the day. I just let myself have the day to grieve and cry and be sad and mope. It's okay to do it if you absolutely have to, your mental health always comes dirst.
• Next up is to talk to someone that knows them to chat about different memories or simply just to have someone to vent and relate to them.
• Lastly, try to think about what they'd say to you if they were there. I find comfort in that sometimes.

Always remember that no matter what you're doing to cope with grief, as long as you're not hurting yourself or others around you - you're grieving normally and the person you have lost is so proud of you and always will be.

Thank you for reading and remember I'm here at all times if you need anyone to talk to. I know it gets tough sometimes.

Other places to find me:

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

Twitter - rgarmentmua or rachelgarment

email - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

 x x x x x

5/05/16.

- Sorry for these kinds of posts, I realise they are a bit debby-downer but I said from the get go thats how this blog would be sometimes. -

Today I applied to jobs, I applied to opportunities on the Blogger Programme website that I was applicable for, I set up two blog posts to go on my beauty blog, I planned to do a makeup tutorial for youtube tomorrow, I spent time with my gran and really enjoyed doing so. Some would say that's a pretty productive day. I say, I feel empty.

I just feel nothing.

 I don't see myself getting a job in the near future and it's severely distressing because I am skint, I need the money, I hate not being able to buy things - not even basic things like food, I hate not being able to go out like a 19 year old should be and I hate other people having to pay for things for me. I'm also so bored of being home all the time. I'm so lonely.

I feel empty about my future, I just don't really see myself even in the future. I can't get past this and I don't feel like I'm ever going to.

People say there's always a light at the end of the tunnel - does that mean that, no matter how long the tunnel is you can still see it? Even if it's the tiniest little bit of light? Because I, personally, see nothing.

 Absolutely nothing.

And that is more depressing than how I feel to be honest.

27/04/2015.

Hey there,

Birthdays of my family (and myself) always make me quite sad because it's then you really see who's missing and instead of celebrating properly there are definite holes where people should be.

For me in my house it's my mum and my brother, we lost them both within 6 months of one another and it sucked. It was the hardest thing for us as a family to try to overcome and I feel we have done as best we could with the circumstances we had. But today it's my stepdads birthday and I am really hurting inside because I can feel the gaps of two people who used to be here.

That's not to say that I don't always feel the gaps, I do, it's just more prominent on things like birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas. I know what my mum and my brother would want is for us to be happy and celebrate the way we would if they were here (cause really, they are here, we just can't see them) but it's just really hard to do so. You almost feel guilty.

Anyway, that's just a quick little thought of today from me.

 Thanks for reading

x x x

22/04/16.

Just going to spill out a couple of things in a letter type format to a couple of people I know/knew/love/once loved... The people will be numbered obviously for their anonymity and because I just want to let all this out anyway, so their names don't really matter.

1. I don't think I'd be here without you, I think if I hadn't met you then I'd probably not be here right now because you are the only person that really, truly gets and understands me in every way. I can't thank you enough for always being there and for being my absolute rock whenever I need you. You are so strong and I admire you so much, you'll never realise how much.You are without a doubt the most amazing and beautiful little lady (inside and out) I've met. You are my best friend and I love you more every day. You are my soulmate and I can't picture my life without you now!

2. You make me laugh, even when I'm angry with you, you still manage to make me laugh. I think that's more important than anything, really. You are adorable. You make me feel at home, you make me feel like I'm worth something and you are my other best friend. I love you more every day, just like person number 1. (and I'm glad you both get on, it makes my heart happy) I love that when I'm down you do your best to look after me and be everything I need in that moment. I can't thank you enough for that. Your consistent support and love for me is something that genuinely keeps me going. Never change, you're an absolutely gorgeous person and you are so, so appreciated.

3 + 4. You two are without a doubt the strongest men I've ever known. I don't think I could've kept it together (well, I haven't) the way you two have. I think you are both amazing. You are the best men I could think of to have in my life, other than my boyfriend tbh. I love you both so much and you are both such amazing role models for me. You always have been, but more so now than ever. I can't thank you enough for being constant in my life, too.

5. Thank you for being there for me when I was younger. I couldn't of gotten through a lot of the stuff I have without you, you were amazing in those times and I have no doubt that you are going to make an amazing parent one day. You are definitely a force to be reckoned with. You are beautiful and have an amazing sense of humour and you are so wise beyond your years if I'm honest. I love you or maybe I used to. It pained me when you were hurt and sad. I felt sick to my stomach when you were down, it was like I could sense it. I thought everything of you. I thought you were the absolute bomb.com. I wanted to be just like you, you were everything to me. I was supposed to be yours and you were supposed to be mine. We were supposed to count on each other till the very end. But you've not been the same with me and I don't know how to act around you. I spent a lot of time crying over losing you and piecing everything together, thinking of every little thing I said and yet, I still can't think what it is I've done. I'm sorry, anyway. I wish you the best.

6. I'm so happy for you, for the life you've built for yourself, for everything you've accomplished and been and done. I really, truly am happy for you. I think you deserved some happiness. You're very strong and hard to read but I'd like to think I could read you - at least sometimes. You were always amazing, when I was broken you were like a brick wall for me to lean on and you were always there, within an hour of a text or phonecall. Thank you for that. I don't know what I would've done without it. I tried to be strong for you though and I hope you know that. However our relationship  has changed and I don't know how or why. I feel our relationship should always come first as I always tried to put you first, too. I love you and I always will.

7. You always say nobody bothers with you but that couldn't be further from the truth. I do. I bother. And I love you. You're hilarious, you're beautiful and wise and just all round amazing. You cook the best food and you always feel like home to me. Whenever I cuddle you and I smell you it makes me nostalgic to when I was a tiny little lady and I just love it. I promise to spend more time with you, you deserve that at the very least.

8. I love how happy you are. If anyone deserves it, it's you! You are absolutely amazing. I can't thank you enough for being a sort of voice of reason for me this year and late last year. I want to be closer with you though, I feel like we should try maintain being really close because you are someone I've always missed from my life. I can't wait to be a part of your special day and I just love you so much. You are amazing.

9. You are probably the most patient person I've ever known in my life. I think it's incredible. You hold yourself so well. You are like a fierce, protective lioness and I admire it so much. I couldn't think of anyone better. You are beautiful and so talented and I'm so happy for you and all your success. You deserve it. I'm so glad you've started to really follow your dreams and you're putting yourself first. I'm proud of you and I love you. You are like a sister to me and I couldn't be happier about that.

x x x 

Weight Loss Goals.

Hey,

Honestly, my weight is one of the main things that gets me down. When I was younger, I was never really a 'chubby' kid, I had a fast metabolism, I generally could eat whatever I wanted and not gain any weight, I was naturally skinny, you know, all the things you complain about when you're younger about being 'fat' and you totally weren't - yeah, that was me.

Here I am now.

Well, the longer haired photos are from late last year, but still! I am now a big boobed, big bummed, massive thighed, stretch marks everywhere including the tummy kinda gal. And while I am all for people who are this size (and/or bigger or smaller) to be completely body confident, I mean, you go girl (or guy) if you can be confident about it. I just can't.

I haven't been near scales in over a year, I barely go in front of full length mirrors if I can avoid it and I rarely take full length selfies - being why these are the only I have.

So I don't know how much I weigh and I don't want to ever really know, necessarily. All I know is that I am roughly a 12-16 in dress size depending on the shop/what I buy etc. I think watching the number on the scales (or the number of calories etc) can be a very slippery slope so I don't want to go down that route by any means. God knows my brain has enough as it is. I just want to know that I've lost a good few stone by results. So, I think I need to set up some goals for myself, don't you?

I am by no means going to turn into this lover of fitness and healthy food and be this fitness guru that you see on so many social media platforms. Because the truth is, I hate working out, I hate cardio, I hate being out of breath, I hate 'the burn' - I am anaemic for fuck's sake, I have no energy as it is (and whilst some might say working out would give me more energy, it doesn't, iron does, so stfu). I also am a massive lover of junk food, beer and all things that are bad for me. It's a problem. We have been in a serious relationship all my life (except for the beer, I was not a baby alcoholic just a 19 year old one) and it's gonna be hard to cut it all out. Anyway, I'm rambling.

My goals are:

1. To cut down all the sweet shit I eat. Aka, no more crisps, chocolate, sweets of any kind whatsoever.

2. Go outside for at least an hour to walk. Yes, walk. It'll do for just now until I feel more confident with myself/working out.

3. Work out at home for the time being and find something that works for me.

4. Eat healthier. 

5. Limit a takeaway to once a month.

6. Cut down on beer, sugary drinks and energy drinks. Try to drink 2L of water everyday.

7. Finally (and most importantly) try to get my dress size down to strictly a 10-12.

I know that I am by no means that skinny little girl I used to be. I have grown into a woman. A woman who has grown boobs and wide hips. I'm never going to be a size 6 again and that's okay. What's not okay is feeling as shit as I do about myself now and I think it's about time I do something about it!

Hopefully this time next year I can be closer to my goal but I will keep it updated on here as to how I'm feeling. I'm starting it after April though because I've just been to Paris and I'd feel daft starting it now (I'm writing this late March, btw).

I'm going to take a picture every Wednesday for 3 months and see if I see any difference. If I do, you'll get updated posts! :)

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed/this wasn't too boring!

Remember though that the number on the scales does NOT define who you are.

Other places to find me:

My facebook page -https://www.facebook.com/rgarmentmua

Instagram - tod4ylovesmiledonme

twitter - rachelgarment

email/business - rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com

my other blog - tod4ylovesmiledonme.blogspot.co.uk

Love, 

Rachel

x x x x