Grieving is a Slow, Painful Process

Daily, I battle with my own head and how I'm feeling. I try to think positively when I'm being/feeling very negative. I do anything to try lift myself out of that sort of frame of mind because I hate being so negative and feeling very low. Also, with being very low comes more panic attacks - and honestly, who wants to suffer a panic attack if you can help it?

Days where I can't even try to battle it are the days surrounding something bad having happened.. like my mum's anniversary of her death. It was on Monday, just there, the 19th of September. I was completely floored by it, I didn't expect to be whatsoever if I'm honest. It honestly and truly completely floored me though, and I felt like I wasn't going to be okay again. But now we're towards the end of this week I feel like I can breathe again and it's not so bad and I know I will start to feel more positive as the days go on.

But those few days, man were they awful. I replayed her whole morning she died in my head over and over, the funeral (I swear, just to torture myself) and the whole timeline of her illness was running around in my head. I thought of things I could've done to maybe help her out, things I should've said, how many times I should've told her I loved her rather than just staying quiet, how many times I should've thanked her for being such an amazingly strong lady and role model for me, how many times I should've shown her just how much I appreciate her.

I felt like I was falling apart all over again because when you realise all of these things that you could've, should've and would've done you feel like the worst person. But in reality that's not true, you did what felt right in those moments when you were with them. You only think of these things now, days, weeks, months, years later because you have had time to reflect. Don't feel guilty for things you maybe should've done or said and always remember that the person knows, you wouldn't have had to say it anyway.

It's been three years since I last saw my mum (I mean, I see her every day in my heart/head but I mean physically), gave her a cuddle, gave her a kiss on the head goodbye in the morning or told her 'I love you'. And honestly, it's been the longest three years of my entire life, the longest I've ever felt my heart be broken for - and I'm not totally sure it will ever be healed because for me, time doesn't seem to heal anything.

I love and miss you forever muma. You are my hero, forever and ever

 xxxxxxxx

Losing My Mum.

Exactly three weeks after turning 17, I lost my wonderful mum and my whole life and heart shattered into tiny pieces soon after. She died on September 19th, 2013. Almost 3 years ago and my pain is still as strong, my heart isn't shattered but more like half-glued back together. Pieces are still missing and I'm almost certain that they always will be.

I genuinely remember the day from start to finish like it was yesterday (I wonder if that will ever change) - I got up and dressed for school, kissed her forehead and said "love you, see you later" and she managed a "love you" back, I got to school, I was down anyway because of the whole situation of my mum being ill so I don't remember being otherwise cheery, I was talking to one of my good friends about how my mum was doing and then my guidance teacher walked in the door, asked to speak to me outside and I knew from the minute he looked at me what had happened. I walked from my seat to him and it felt like a never ending walk although it was probably only seconds long. Loads of things were rushing through my head... Who was with her? Should I have stayed home from school? Did my stepdad get back in time for her passing? Was she okay? Did she go peacefully? 

My guidance teacher sat me down and told me my mum had passed away and my brother was coming to collect me. I already knew she had gone, I could feel it but the minute he said it was the minute my heart fell apart and I felt like my world was not ever going to be the same again. I felt so heartbroken about all the things I would miss with her... my graduation from school, prom, getting into college or university, my first proper boyfriend, getting engaged and married, having babies, everything - she was no longer going to be there for me at all. She was just gone. 

It's something that still hurts me so much that she doesn't get to experience everything that our family goes through... She doesn't get to see us grow and bond and become closer. I should have had all the time in the world with her, at least half my life but all I got was 17 years. Don't get me wrong, I am completely and utterly thankful for having her for those 17 years... I wouldn't be who I am today without having her for those years and I also wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't lost her.

Losing her has taught me to be sympathetic towards others because you really don't know what sort of situation someone is in and how someone may be feeling on the outside, regardless of what they're really thinking on the inside. It has taught me to be patient with someone when they are unwell. It's not their fault they are lethargic and you can't push them if they don't want to be pushed. It has taught me to love fiercely and always remember who my family are, where I've come from and who to always protect and respect. It has taught me that life is too short to fall out with people long term and to never have bad last words with anyone because you just never know what will happen. It's taught me not to take life for granted and to be who I truly am because there will never be another me and she made me, so I must be pretty great.

My mum was the most beautiful, kind hearted, fiercely protective, intelligent, funny, caring, strong, independent women and she really is the most wonderful woman I'll ever know. I'm so grateful she is my mum and I am her baby girl because there's no one else's I'd rather be. 

Here's to all the beautiful muma's out there! Remember they're doing their best and to always love and respect them with all that you have.

I miss and love you more than I'll ever be able to put in to words muma x x x

10 Things #3.

I know it's been a little while since the last post about this but I've been super busy so this is the first time I've been able to sit down and write everything!

10 Things to Thank My Sister For:

1) For teaching me the little things that were important when I was younger that no one had told me or talked to me about yet - things as simple as plucking your eyebrows/how to do it (and doing it for me!), how to shave, how to kiss etc..
2) For being another muma figure to me and showing me that you don't have to be stuck with the family you were given but be able to choose your family too.
3) For treating me as one of your own and taking me under your wee wing and making me feel at home, always making me at ease and being so easy to talk to and open up to. I even remember you talking to me about how you would always treat me as family and it was our first "heart to heart" if you will and I remember once you'd finished talking I left to the bathroom to cry, lol.
4) For always making me laugh. Proper belly aching laugh, too.
5) For having my back always and always doing your best to protect me from people. Even when we haven't spoken in a while you are always amazing and you always come to my defence and I can't thank you enough for it.
6) For feeling my pain when I couldn't bare to feel it myself and for letting me pour my heart out to you and for doing the same to me, it means the world.
7) For being such a beautiful soul inside and out.
8) For being able to tell me straight that you have a problem. I know that can be very hard and I still find it difficult to do that myself but you always do it and I appreciate it so much.
9) For giving me an amazing sister, a protective muma figure, a best friend, a role model all in the one little person.
10) For giving the best, most comforting cuddles!

So, here's the thing, I have 3 sisters (one half, two step but they are blood in my heart) but the person this particular post is written about will know that it's about her if she reads this.

x x x

10 Things #2.

Hey, 

It's my second instalment of this now I guess, here's number one and why I'm doing it in the first place!

10 Things to Thank My Best Friend For:

1) For freaking out over celebrities/people you fancy/people you find cute/over tv shows/songs/movies. I love it, man. It genuinely makes me happy to see you so passionate, it's so sweet and just reminds me how amazing you are! (And it's when you let your soft side out, hahaha. ps you're currently doing it right now)

2) For putting up with my shite in general/listening to me constantly moaning/being weird etc. You are incredibly tolerant and it's great because no one else in my life is, haha!
3) For letting me talk when I'm down and talking me down from my self destructive edge, I'll never be able to thank you enough for how often you do it and still be there for me. You are amazing for that, you really, truly are.
4) For opening up to me and opening yourself in general up to me. This is personal between us but know I appreciate it and that I love you so much for it and for being that way with me. I know it can be hard.
5) For constantly making me laugh. I don't think I've ever laughed so much with someone in my life - you manage to make me laugh at least 100 times a day, or even smile and it's the best. I never thought I could cry from laughing at two simple words. (eg. lord voldetort)
6) For never judging. No matter what I do/say/feel you never judge and I love it. I can even tell you're not judging and I've never had a relationship with anyone where they just let me talk/feel/do what I need to and not judge.
7) For teaching me what it is to really, truly have a best friend and be one. I can honestly say that I envied people who had a friendship like ours and wanted one just like it... Now I have it I couldn't be more thankful and I'm never giving it back. So you're stuck with me.
8) For letting me do make-up on you all the time :D You are amazing and you have the best little face to work on so thank you for that.
9) For always finding a way to relate to how I feel. I love that you always know exactly what to say too, that makes me feel so much better when I know you know how I feel and what I'm feeling is normal. You help me feel like I'm not alone and for that I pretty much owe you my life, man.
10) For making the last year so much more bearable, for laughing with me, for opening up, for drunken chats/cuddles, for sleepovers and for giving me the best friend I always dreamed of!

To my little Bex,

I love you so much it hurts - you're mine forever because I couldn't bare to lose you. You are without a doubt one of my favourite humans on the planet. Never change.

x x x

10 Things to Thank My Boyfriend For.

Hey, 

So since I'm a bit low today and I'm not doing too great, I wanted to do a 10 Things to Thank My (insert person I love here) over the next couple of days. I seen a tweet that Corey Taylor (frontman of Slipknot/Stone Sour) wrote and in it he said that when he's having a low moment he thanks the people he's grateful for for being there etc. So my first post of this little series is going to be:

10 Things to Thank My Boyfriend For.

1. For tickling my back even when he's exhausted from work and can't be bothered, haha! What an angel.
2. For teaming up with me with making dinner and teaching me different ways to do things in the kitchen (he's a chef) and showing me new recipes and foods that I'd maybe never attempt or try! For making me more adventurous with food, too.
3. For putting up with my ridiculously annoying highs and lows and never complaining. He might not always understand my lows and truly understand why I feel as bad as I do but he still tries his hardest to and comforts me when I'm really down.
4. For making me laugh in the best way, the proper belly aching laugh that kills you because it hurts so much to laugh more but you can't help it. He even makes me laugh when I'm annoyed at him and honestly, that's a talent.
5. For loving me for who I am, flaws and all. I know I'm tough to deal with and tough to love, I push people away, I can be quite hateful towards myself and I can be mean to myself but he loves me nonetheless and is sure to tell me at least 50 times every day :) - no complaints though, I like it that way.
6. For cuddling me in the middle of the night when he wakes a little and just giving me that little squeeze - I've never felt more content.
7. For being not just a boyfriend, but a best friend. 
8. For laughing at my stepdads sometimes awful jokes and just getting along with my family in general, being kind, offering to help out with things and showing interest in them. It makes me happy to see all the people I love get along.
9. For being just so damn cute sometimes and making my heart melt with cute things he says/does. 
10. For trying every single fucking thing possible to make me happy when I don't feel like I could be for a little while. It makes me feel better to know that I have someone who will always try their hardest and fight for me when I don't feel like I can, who will love me regardless of how I feel, for making me smile all the time and for his kisses and cuddles that help make me feel safe and loved. Especially the forehead kisses, they're my favourite.

To Dan, I love you so much it hurts and I'm so very thankful that I've got you in my life and you are amazing! Never forget that :)

x x x 

How to Deal With Suicidal Thoughts.

So, lately I've been feeling unbelievably down, alone even when I'm in a room full of people and to be quite honest, suicidal. It happens. I'm used to feeling this way to an extent - it still doesn't get any less hard to know you're feeling this way and it still always makes me disappointed in myself to know I feel that I'd be better off not here anymore but still, I'm sort of used to little periods of time coming where that is simply just the way I feel.

I figured I'd do a little paragraph on how I try to help myself when I feel suicidal, you never know, it just might help somebody in need. Remember if you feel alone or want some help or just to talk to someone, there is always the Samaritans (who have helped me on a number of occasions and it's so useful to talk to someone out-with your whole situation) or if you don't feel comfortable with that, email me at rachelgarmentmua@outlook.com or speak to someone you love dearly.

I think it's important to remind yourself that you're not alone, there are so many people that feel this way too - so it in no way makes you 'weird' or a 'freak' to be thinking like this. Treat yourself with some kindness whilst you feel like this too, it's not going to make anything any better or pull yourself out of it quicker if you're being really damn hard on yourself. Feeling like this is hard enough. Listen to songs that make you happy, songs that make you think of your happiest memories - songs that will always make you smile. Listen to them all day, every day if you have to. Write down exactly how you feel and then rip it up. Rip it into tiny shreds and it'll let some aggression out. Cry. Cry until you can't physically cry anymore. Go somewhere that makes you feel peaceful - for me that is a very long bath. See a family member that you love, either that you can talk to with no judgement about anything or someone that always makes you laugh. It could also be a friend. Watch a movie. Try to connect with anything that makes you smile or happy or hopeful. Try to sleep. Sometimes I've found myself being really suicidal and having a decent sleep (especially if I've not slept very well/not slept at all before hand) it can take a huge dent out of feeling that way.

I just want to say - in no way am I saying that these things shift feeling suicidal - they don't for me sometimes, sometimes I have to just ride it out and hope I'm going to come out of the other side of it feeling lifted and somewhat 'normal' again. But sometimes they do take the edge off of feeling that way and if I can help anyone do that... Then I've done a good job. I've been feeling like this on and off for a month now and I just felt like rather than talk about how I've been feeling - talk about what has been helping me - even if it's just a little bit to try help someone else if possible.

Remember if your symptoms persist, please get in touch with the Samaritans, go onto the Mind website to have a look and see what you can do for yourself. Or if you feel scared that you may attempt suicide - please, I urge you to get in contact with your GP. Get the help you need and deserve. It's not a shameful thing to admit you need help. I promise.

Look after yourself, thanks for reading.

20/06/16.

Hey,

It's funny how all these amazing 'highs' or happy times I have in my life are then brought back down with these incredibly tense, horrible 'lows' or bad times.

I just became an aunt again and I can't quite get over how cute the baby is. I got into college to do Make-Up at somewhere that is closer to my home, is more of a course that I want to do and I got on really well with the lecturer that interviewed me.
I have the most awesome family and a wonderful boyfriend, amazing friends, but I still feel so, so alone. I just feel so horribly down all the time and even though all this good news is surrounding me I just feel like... almost like I'm not good enough to have it?
I don't know. I'm just really down again I guess. It's really horrible to feel this way. I wish I could stop it.

x